No, sir. I don't like it.

mutton_basher @ 2009-01-17T21:53:00

2009-01-18T03:57:39Z

Wow. Been kind of a while since I updated, hasn't it? Well, to make a long story short, my laptop's dead. Which means all my work on the last Runaway chapter is gone. Good thing no one was reading that thing, anyway. The computer I'm currently using blocks fanfiction sites, too, so I won't be mocking those for a long time, either. Pretty much the only thing I can do now is recap Dreamfall, which I'd love to do, but I'm almost certain no one would read it.

So, uh, I guess this is it. I really liked doing this, too...any suggestions would be appreciated, of course, but asking that hasn't helped me before.

Cool World

2008-07-31T01:22:22Z

The Agony Booth has a real lack of animated movie recaps on their site. The only two I know of are "Quest for Camelot" and the Bakshi version of "Lord of the Rings".

I'd really like to add one to their website with a Cool World recap, but I'm too embarrassed to just post it without getting any kind of feedback first. After all, this is my favorite forum. I'd hate to look like a complete idiot on my first post.

I'll post what I've got so far on here and see if anybody responds. If no one does, I'll just assume it needs more work. Criticism would really be appreciated, but at this point I'll take what I can get.

I'll probably add screencaps later, but I'd rather not waste my time if no one's gonna read, you know? Besides, I'm watching it on youtube, and the rip has subtitles.

It's difficult to explain my admiration for Ralph Bakshi. More often than not, his films are little more than particularly depressing acid trips. Even his most competent film, Heavy Traffic, was about as far from Oscar material as you can possibly get without being Beavis and Butthead Do America. Well, at least before Judd Apatow got popular and our standards plummeted to their death like so many Disney-led lemmings.

I guess it's because so much of Bakshi's work has real potential that is never fully realized. American Pop had an extremely impressive soundtrack. Heavy Traffic had some fairly decent ideas and themes. Wizards...Well, Wizards didn't make you feel like committing suicide. And heck, his art does have an undeniably interesting style.

He is a director I do not admire so much for his movies, but his ideas, is what I guess I'm saying. And the one idea of his I loved more than any other was that of Cool World.

The film was first written to be a horror story about a man who fathers an illegitimate child with a cartoon. The child eventually grows up to be a half-animated, half...real person who is intent on killing his father for ruining his life.

I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it was corporate meddling, or maybe the adult-animated genre of films is just cursed. But whatever it was, what we ended up with was a movie that was not only a shameless "Roger Rabbit" rip-off, it was really unforgivably boring. Bakshi's films are many things, but they are rarely boring, making this just one disappointment after another.

The movie starts off with an, admittedly, pretty catchy song that I still remember over ten years since I last saw the movie. It's amazingly repetitive and as generic as all get out, but it's not the worst way you could start. It's more than this movie deserves, at any rate.

When the credits end, we are informed that the next scene will take place in Las Vegas, 1945. The typically "suh-wingin" music and women in pillbox hats seemed like a dead giveaway to me, but hey, I guess that's why I don't work in film.

There are people lined up outside of an air hangar that is covered in American flags, so you probably know where this is going, too.

A plane lands and, shock of all shocks, people come pouring out! And they're wearing some sort of...uniform...! And hey, Brad Pitt is with them! And he's also wearing a uniform for some weird reason! And he couldn't possibly look more pathetic right now. He looks like a toddler who's lost his mommy. This, as we soon learn, is quite the opposite of what is really going on. He is, in fact, a thirty-year-old man who has lost his mommy. Don't worry, he soon finds her and brightens up immediately.

Gee, I hope neither of them die in a terrible accident before we're introduced to all of the main characters.

They share a big hug, and I must say, this is the most awkward hug I've ever seen in my life. They don't even really seem to know where to put their arms, and mommy's making this weird "ho ho ho" sound the entire time. It's really uncomfortable to watch, but admittedly does a nice job of setting the tone for the rest of the movie.

We shortly join them at their lovely house. Barn. Farm. Home.

I think mommy's supposed to be cooking, but all I see on that counter she's standing in front of is a really enormous container of salt. Ah, the forties.
Brad enters, out of that odd uniform from earlier and now wearing a drab grey suit. Still, a step up.

Brad tells his mom that he has a surprise for her, and she needs to close her eyes. Having seen a handful of Bakshi's other movies, when I heard this line I was tempted to scream and run out of my house as quickly as possible to avoid whatever perverse act Brad had in mind, but thankfully, it's just a motorcycle.

And by the way, it turns out Brad's name is Frank. I'll still be calling him Brad though, as he makes no attempt to actually act like this...Frank fellow. Besides, it's only fair to the people who might be skimming.

Mommy doesn't object to the fact that her son now owns a motorcycle, which isn't too odd, but it seems like the fact that he won it in a poker game in Italy would set off a couple of red flags. What exactly would he have to have given up if he lost? They live on a friggin' farm.

It's a nice bike, anyway.

Brad begs his mom to ride with him, again, prompting the same "scream and run" response from me as earlier, before I remembered this movie is PG-13. Mommy says no. This is understandable considering most of America wouldn't trust Brad Pitt to drive a golf cart, let alone a motorcycle with someone else on it.

She quickly gives in to Brad's oh-so-convincing "awwwww-come-ooooon"s, and the next thing we know, they're driving down a dirt road on a bike that looks even more uncomfortable than the hug we saw earlier.

Cut to a building with the word "GAMBLING" emblazoned proudly on its front. We never see the inside, so God knows what's going on in there. Two people exit the building, and judging by the way they're stumbling and guffawing, I'd say these people have never actually been drunk in their life. They ham it up for all it's worth and are not even the least bit believable. Seriously, nothing is that funny, even while drunk. They climb into their car, still clutching their bottles and laughing as if they were the ones who gave the "okay" to this script.

So they push that gas pedal as far as it will possibly go, all the while cackling and making out. Hmm, couple making out while clutching bottles of booze and never making any impact on the plot? It's kind of like Manos, if, you know, things happened in Manos.

Needless to say that drunkouple run directly into Brad and his mama, sending the bike, and Brad, flying.

Brad gets thrown off to the side of the road, and the sound of crashing makes him think he's still at war. So he starts crawling around on the ground, screaming and hearing grenades until he comes across his mom, who, as you can likely guess, is very, very dead. Upon seeing this, he screams "Medic!"...Which I'm not sure was supposed to be intentionally funny. But I laughed, either way.

We cut to a lot of people and cars gathered around the crash site as the body is being taken away. One woman is supposed to be crying, but she's definitely laughing. She's smiling and everything.

We get a quick glimpse of a completely different place, as a short, bald animated man opens a portal to the "real" world with his "spike". And "real" world is all I have. I mean, what am I supposed to call it?
Brad is blubbering on the ground, and eventually screams the word, that one word that has become the catchphrase for many a bad character.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

He then disappears in a flash of blue light, and reappears in the cartoon world. Two big, uninspired goon characters look him over while he hilariously screams for his "MAAMAAAA!" repeatedly. Few scenes have ever been able to make me feel this sorry for an actor, and it's not even over.

They really went all out in trying to fit as many zany, wacky, quirky, absolutely unfunny cartoon cliches into the next few minutes as possible. And by "the next few", I mean the next ninety. If a character ended up floating down a tiny creek only to fall over a ridiculously large waterfall, nothing would be left out.

The short man, who is obviously a doctor, and thus, will be referred to as such, explains that his spike was supposed to send him into the real world, not send Brad into the Cool World. The doctor then takes it upon himself to...give Brad a check-up. While giving exposition. Well, I think it's exposition. Truth be told, I keep fading in and out. This script is so flat it makes Uwe Boll jealous. Doc Whiskers (Yes, I know.) shines a light in Brad's mouth, light comes out Brad's ears, he uses a mallet to check Brad's reflexes, Brad kicks him across the room, stars fly around the doctor's head...you know. Real, real funny stuff.

After being kicked clear across the room, the doctor apologizes for Brad's mom's death as if he were apologizing to an employee for laying him off. It's pretty much an afterthought, and it seems like it'd do more harm than good right now. Look, Doc, I realize you're a cartoon, but that doesn't mean you have to be such an awful actor. It's time your people learned this. Especially the Japanese ones.

Brad has an excellent come-back to all of this nonsense. These people take him away from his world, blow off the death of his mother, and resort to the "stars flying around head" gag? What're you gonna say to 'em, Brad?!

"You're cartoons. You're not ree-eeal."

...Now, normally, this would seem like a really, really bad way to respond. But considering this movie is absolutely horrible, I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's right and that this is all a dream, so I'll let him off the hook.
Doc Whiskers is ecstatic that his spike is working at all, and that he's finally fulfilled his life-long dream of making inter-world travel possible. He's so overly-excited he actually calls Brad a hero, which is both funny and sad at the same time.

It's worth mentioning that cartoons are referred to as "doodles" and real people are referred to as "noids". As embarrassing and somehow degrading as this feels, I still feel as though I should keep up this trend of needless naming madness. Therefore, I will now call people "noids" and cartoons "doodles".

...I feel ill.

The scene fades and we're taken to a Las Vegas prison in 1992. Here we meet Jack Deebs, "creator" of Cool World, or rather, a comic called Cool World that is exactly like the "real" Cool World because he sees Cool World in his cell but just visions because, uh...

I dunno. Wizard did it?

He's drawing a picture of a Jessica Rabbit/Marilyn Monroe wannabe, named Holli Would. Her name is about as subtle as the movie gets.
He hears her voice saying "It's time you came to me, Jack." And the picture begins to come to life. Jack is just a little freaked out, and lets out a rather hilarious "AAAAAAAH" before disappearing.

In the most amazingly bad green screen work I've ever seen, Jack falls into Cool World, still screaming hilariously, until he lands in a seedy bar where Holli is dancing. Not stripping, dancing. It seems a little pointless. But again, the music's not half bad.

We see her being leered at by...everyone in the bar. And really, now's a good time to point out how good the art direction in this movie is. No, I'm not being sarcastic. All of the characters are reminiscent of the Looney Tunes-era cartoons while still retaining a modern feel to them. They're pretty impressive. The backgrounds are also amazing, if obviously designed while under the influence of every drug known to man.

Back to the bad stuff.

Holli dances over to Jack, and says she's been waiting for him. Then there's a crash of lightning and Jack is back in his cell, as if nothing ever happened.

Yeah, I don't know, either.

Back in Cool World, we see a purple man in a purple suit, who is quite obviously evil, flipping a coin while walking. And before you ask, no. He is not Two-Face.
His name is, and I kid you not, "Sparky", which immediately negates all chances of him being a cool villain. That and the fact that he apparently applies a liberal amount of whipped cream to his head every day.
Sparky crosses a trio of kids who may as well have been the three aliens from "Space Jam" as annoying as they are. They bug Sparky about Holli, who he's got a thing for, it would seem. It would seem, anyway, because he beats them savagely and kills them when they bring her up.

How does he kill them?

With his nickels.

...WITH HIS NICKELS.

No, I'm serious! He throws the nickels at them an' he's all like "Don't spend 'em all in one place" an'...an' throws the nickels at the kids an' then the nickels come to life an' then the nickels EAT THE KIDS ALIVE.

I take back every bad thing I ever said about him, because there's no way I'm siding with anyone else in this movie now.

Meanwhile, in a different movie, Brad pulls up to a house. Did you miss him? I did.

And really, up until now, the movie hasn't been all that bad. I mean, aside from the acting, there's nothing that's really stood out as being out of place, or particularly distracting.

But these sets are horrible. They are really, truly awful.

I mean, I hate to sound nitpicky, but these sets look like they could have been made out of cardboard. They probably were. Everything looks flat, and completely unconvincing. More than half of the props are just cutouts. I realize they probably didn't have the budget to make them all animated, but this is just pathetic.

Brad walks into Holli's home, where she is dancing and lip-syncing to Marilyn Monroe's "Let's Make Love". Again, subtle.

She notices Brad, and addresses him as "Detective Harris". He has what may be one of the most humiliating jobs I've ever heard of, and that is to make sure doodles and noids don't have sex. It seems like making Brad Pitt, of all people, the official Cool World boinking police should be really ironic, but I can't figure out why.

Holli says she's been rehearsing. She doesn't waste any time whatsoever in bragging about her dress and saying she knows "Let's Make Love" by heart. She loves it because "The girl gets everything in the end. Everything she ever wanted."

Just a hunch, but I think I'm going to hate Holli a lot.

It's probably worth mentioning that there are no quiet scenes in this movie. None. No matter where you are in Cool World, there are several dozen mind-bogglingly random "doodles" doing mind-bogglingly random, unfunny things. In the extremely short scene where Brad was walking from his car to Holli's door, there were at least four different characters popping up and providing hijinks. It's like watching "Family Guy: The Movie".

For instance, in this one scene, I've seen a tiny, elf-like thing pop out of a martini glass, several mice playing poker, a dog dance in the corner of the screen, a cow's head wearing glasses float across the screen, and two characters in airplanes having a dogfight. This is off the top of my head. And they're usually all on the screen at one time. I realize it probably reflects the pure insanity of Cool World, but it's annoying. It's really, really annoying. It accurately represents all of the movie's biggest flaws, in my opinion.

But this sort of thing is probably best reserved for the end of the recap. Brad asks Holli about Jack's brief visit, and she says it was "just a mind slip. Nothing special."

Then he starts to leave. Oh yeah. Way to interrogate her there, detective.

She stops him, saying she's got something she wants to show him. She takes him to her collection of things related to a doodle named "Vegas Vinnie", whose name sounds like a particularly lame Superman villain.

Holli provides exposition, explaining that Vegas Vinnie was a doodle who created the spike, crossed over into the real world, and now owns the Union Plaza Hotel.

Brad dismisses this as poppycock and hogwash, so we know it isn't. Holli whines that he's real, and that there must be a way to cross over into the other world, since Brad was able to cross into the Cool World.

Then she starts coming onto him, and saying that he could help her.

Apparently, there is one way for a doodle to cross over. Can you guess it?

Sex.

Sex, sex, sex, sex. When a doodle has sex with a noid, the doodle becomes a noid. It makes no sense, but it is sex, so the public will surely embrace it! All lacking scripts can become glorious by the magical additive that is sex! Sex can take a dull movie and make it better! Sex takes away all problems and heals all wounds!

I'm talking about sex.

Needless to say that Brad rejects her, and Holli throws a hissy fit. Her ranting explains that doodles don't feel the same way noids do. Everything they do is hollow, unsatisfactory, and yes, she makes a particularly big deal about the sex. This wouldn't be such a big deal, but the truth is, Holli falls way short of the sexy she's supposed to be. Her character design is highly generic, Kim Basinger provides an appropriately annoying, high-pitched voice, and her personality is that of any woman who's ever been on "Beauty and the Geek". That is to say, about as alluring as a colonoscopy. It just makes her obsession with sex boring, which is an aspect normally reserved for vampire novels.

While she rants, she squirms around, eventually ending up on her bed, where she continues to squirm. It's gone beyond sexy now and has just gotten creepy. Brad still refuses, and Holli says she'll just sleep with Jack. Um, hello? Anyone in there? You're just gonna tell Brad your plans to have sex with Jack when his job is to make sure you never have sex with Jack?

Summary: Brad tells Holli to keep her legs crossed and she responds by spreading them scary wide. Classy.

There's a brief interlude where a bunch of random, generic doodles get shot before we go back to the real world. Look, this isn't funny or creative. It's just stupid, and it's seriously grinding on my nerves. Jack's left prison, and decides to spend his first day out by...going to a comic store. Glorious. The store has a giant still from "The Killing Joke" on it, which isn't at all important, but it reminds me of all the more fun things I could be doing besides watching this movie. Like slowly torturing a commissioner until he reaches his breaking point.

mutton_basher @ 2008-06-22T23:26:00

2008-06-23T04:24:44Z

Once again, I find myself mocking a fic from a film I was never a big fan of to begin with. Today it's "Edward Scissorhands", and it goes without saying that it's a Mary-Sue fic to the extreme. I'd be hard pressed to find a fic for any film starring a certain mister Depp that doesn't contain a Mary-Sue to some extent, though, and I can completely understand. Nothing wrong with a little fantasy, right? There's nothing wrong with me writing those self-insert "Spaced" lemons in my diary...
Thankfully, however, the fic is really very long and will have to be cut off before the Sue actually arrives. You may thank me by sending me a bag of Wavy Lays potato chips or a copy of my favorite film, Troll 2.

Once upon a time there was a grand, beautiful mansion atop a hill. The fanfic equivalent of "it was a dark and stormy night". A tiny village lay sleeping beneath its wake. Apparently this house has been on a rampage, recently. It was made of elegant stone with many gargoyles topping spires and vanes. It only reminds of how much I'd rather watch 90's cartoons than reading this...The windows were always crystal clear. A welcoming light always was in every room. It gets pretty annoying after having to hear "HOWDY" every time you have to go to the bathroom. The grounds were scrawling, immaculate, I had to look both of those words up to make sure I understood what was being said. The sentence, in normal-speak, comes out saying something like "The grounds were both clean and dirty." the bushes neatly trimmed, gate always looked after. The tiny lake pristine and unpolluted. Did you know I live near a "Lake Pristine and Unpolluted"? It's true!

The people told of a kind old man. A professor of science and inventor "A professor of inventor"? who took residence of the mansion. He was a brilliant man loved by the people. Children always swarmed about him like killer bees as he came down to do his little shopping and to offer cookies to the children's' outstretched hands. Just their hands? Maybe this is all part of his genius plan... He had told them of the machine he had built that makes cookies all by itself. Yup. Professor of Science. My tax dollars at work. The children listened awed and eager to hear about his accomplishments. So far, all he had were the cookies.

The people also told of a monster he had created with scissors for hands. They were frightened when the old man told their children of his creation and so watched the house carefully...Yet did nothing when this man handed out cookies to their gullible, delicious children. One day by chance a young man had come down from the hill babbling that he had seen the monster. He described him as being tall, thin, and pale, having frighteningly large shoulder blades ~~for fingers~~. He had wild, messy hair and was clad in a black leather thong ~~suit~~ with an abundance of nipples ~~belts and buckles.~~

Slowly the children stopped visiting the old man when he came down with his grocery list and cookies. These kids have taste. The adults spread horror stories through the minds of the children to keep them far away from the mansion. "IT'S MADE FROM OATMEAL! SCIENCE COOKIES ARE OATMEAL!!" The village soon became hostile toward the mansion atop the hill.

And this is where our story begins...

XOX
"Father, why have the children stopped coming?" Edward asked the professor.

"Boy, you don't stop runnin' those lips o' yours I'll CUT THEM OFF. ~~They are afraid Edward. One of the men saw you and spread horrible things.~~" Edward bowed his head a bit. The children had stopped coming because of him. Seeing the crestfallen look on his sons' face the professor sighed. "Do not listen to what they say Edward, you are a handsome man. OHNOIT'SADEPP/PRICEFICMAKEITEND Smile."

Edward lifted the corners of his mouth. "Good boy go on, smile." Uh, you either just forgot a comma, or created the most poetic sentence I've ever seen. Giving an awkward smile he felt better.

"That's it. Now, let us read a bit of poetry."

Picking up an old worn book he flipped the pages until something caught his eye.

~~There once was a man from Nantucket...~~Once upon a midnight dreary, while i pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While i nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping.
As of some gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
'Tis some visitor,' i muttered, 'tapping at my chamber door-
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly i remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly i wished the morrow;- vainly i had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow- sorrow for the lost Lenore-
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels called Lenore-
Nameless here for evermore.

"Father?" Edward interrupted.

"Yes Edward?" The old man asked.

"~~Poetry is surprisingly lame.~~ Will i ever have a Lenore?"

The professor chuckled at this. "Why my son, my company isn't enough?"

"~~Is that a fucking JOKE?~~ I want a girl." Edward told him slowly. A dull scraping sound was heard as he fidgeted his scissor fingers in nervousness. "I get lonely, that's all. One like Lenore in the poem." Gee, I wonder who he'll end up with.

Sighing he looked at his man creation and then at Edward with a sad smile. "Perhaps one day Edward. for now we will close the book it is time for bed."

Closing the thick book the professor stood to put the book away. Edward rose, took a plate of sugar cookies and bid the professor to bite him goodnight. Climbing the stairs to his loft-room Edward fantasized about the girl he wanted. She would be pretty and small with wide eyes and a kind smile, her voice would be as soft as the little birds' cheeps that rested on his carefully shaped bushes (?!) like the one he seen in a fairytale book. Methinks Edward's setting himself up for a *major* disappointment.

Stretching out onto his straw bed Edward smiled to himself. "One day." He whispered to the dark. Resting his large scissors on his chest he was careful not to cut himself. Closing his eyes Edward smiled awkwardly smiled once again to the dark.

So there you have it. I trust you can work out the rest of the story for yourself. If you can't, I may have a Spaced fanfic in my diary you'll just love...

The horrors of resident evil fanfiction

2008-04-24T21:16:44Z

This story could very well have started with the line "Okay, see, one time Randy Beaman's cousin, she was goin' on this trip to see her foster dad, but he was, like, evil and stuff..." The only real difference being a total lack of commas.

I got about halfway through this fic before I realized that I was drooling rather profusely. It takes real talent to make a run-on sentence this hypnotic. Unfortunately, trance-inducingly bad writing is not what one looks for in a Resident Evil fanfic.

The games, well yeah. But not the fanfics.

The train ride was slow and long, Remind you of anything? but I made the most of it --forgot period I listened to my ipod for ~~1/4th~~ a quarter of the trip and ~~now~~ it was ~~dieing~~ dying --forgot comma so I put it away till I’ll STOP SWITCHING PAST AND PRESENT TENSE!! ~~get~~ got to Mikes house.

~~Timmy~~ ~~Becky~~ Alex, you can do better. See me after class. D-

Mike was my foster dad he was really nice and took care of me an gave me candy an stuff but sometimes it was weird because he'd say it was his special candy an hed start laughing it was kinda freaky but the candy was good but sometimes he has to make me go get his special medicine and I go to the farmacy and no ones there theres just this guy lying down on a cot in the backoom who tells me to leave a fifty and take whatever I need sometimes Mike needs to go on a trip and sometimes brings me with him but this time he couldn’t because he was the cause of his boss's marital problems and couldn’t get any more seats so he sent me a week later.

I was ready to take a nap when I felt hot and realized I still had my coat on so I took it off and got up out of my seat and went to the visitors coat closet and was starting to put it away CAN YOU HANDLE THE INTENSE COAT-PUTTING ACTION?! when a man with black hair and was wearing a suite You know, a "suite" can mean many things, but I'm willing to bet none of them make any kind of sense in this context. ran and screamed. “Huh wonder what he saw maybe it was a spider, what a baby.” I thought then all of the sudden everyone was screaming and running around. "MICK JAGGER'S ON THE TRAIN AHHHHHH" One of the workers pushed me into the closet and another worker closed the door and the screaming continued. "Those child-pushing classes were worth every cent!"

About an hour later the train came to a stop and I was about to get out when I heard a door open and foots steps walking past the closet Now she's being followed by the villains from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? No, wait...then this would be awesome. but slowly, I was trying to calm down so he wouldn’t hear me but luck was not on my side he heard me and I hear a door open and look up and saw MICHELANGELO?? a man with not so long brown hair, blue eyes he had a caution yet calm look in his eyes....That was a bigger let down than Dreamfall...He bent down to my level and went to touch me, ACCKKK but I backed up to the back of the closet. Oh great, this is the setup for just about every raping scene in every fanfic ever...He sighed and went to speak “its ok I’m not here to hurt you, you can come out.” He said I look up at him he showed a small smile at me meaning it was ok Man: "It's okay! Come on out!" Alex: "Sir, an hour ago people were screaming like they'd seen the second coming and I happen to be hiding for a *reason*. What, do you think I'm dumb?" Man: "No, look, see? I'm smiling which apparently means I'm not going to chop your legs off and feed them to you through your anus." Alex: "Oh, well that's different." I scooted closer to him but notice someone coming behind him it was a man and he had flesh coming off his face and his eyes were just white with irises and pupils in the center! AAAAAAGH!...Wait. That's normal. Well, uh, I guess, er...he had...PINKEYE! AAAAGH! I got scared and back up and pointed behind him he looked at me then turned around just in time to see this nonhuman monster,
Oh my...
Oh, oh my...

They said it could never be done...
...Ladies and gentlemen...

...we have punctuation.

the guy that was talking to me earlier What, you mean the only guy in this story who isn't a zombie? I haven't been keeping track, is he still even alive? pulled out a gun and shot it in the head were the monster just dropped dead, What, with just one hit? What was he using, a shotgun that shoots exploding, poisonous velociraptors? I flinched when he shoot it That's gotta be like, at least a triple entendre. and backed up more and bury my face in my hands wanting to cry because I was so scared Lady, if you feel it's worth keeping in your emotions when there's a zombie uprising going on, there might be something wrong with you. the guy put the gun away and sighed I look at him again and he out stretched his hand for me to take I was hesitant at first but he gave me a reinsuring smile saying that I would be safe with him, His smile sells insurance to insurance companies, apparently. so I took his hand and he got up and helped me up. He looked at me and said “before we move on lets introduce ourselves to each other.” I nod and looked at him. “Ok my name is Alex what’s yours?” I said he still was looking at me and smiled. Dude, you smile way too much for someone who's about to go on an escort mission. “I’m Bayou Billy nice to meet you.” We both shook hands then we went to the door to our left, Billy opened it and looked outside to see nothing but a empty hall way then he mentioned for me to follow him, we turned right and went down the hall to the right. We then walked on down the hall just strait ahead when we reached at the end of it we turned left Geez, this reads like a friggin' text adventure, dunnit? and saw a young aged girl there about 18 or so Billy pointed a gun at her she then looked up, and her and Billy talked for a minute before he put his gun down and walk back towards me. You're standing, like, 5 feet away. Wouldn't it just be easier to tell us what they're saying? “Come on lets go we don’t need her.” He glared at her and pulled my ~~arm~~ finger. “Wait! You’re under arrest. Billy stopped and smirked turn half way around. “No thanks doll face I already worn the handcuffs.” Billy twisted his arm and showed them as a matter of fact I never did see what he wore he was wearing a blue tank top with dog tags, and on his right arm was a funky but cool tattoo, he also wore a brown leather belt and blue jeans, and finally he had blue boots. You just described a hillbilly, Alex. You're being led out of the zombie invasion by one of the guys from Deliverance. Billy pulled me to a door and we both walked out. We were immediately caught off-guard by a pack of zombie dogs that had crashed through a window and torn limb from limb.

Elizabeth Peterson, M.D.

2008-04-13T08:34:50Z

It's getting harder for me to find genuinely horrible fanfics. I come across bad Mary Sues all the time, but truly horrible ones are getting rare. Or maybe I'm blind.

This fanfic is just dull. It's tedious and boring and desperately, drastically DULL. I didn't have a lot to work with. But my computer was running out of battery, and I needed a fanfic. So I grabbed it.

This one is about a woman who's known Gregory House since grade school. And why yes, people did think they were going out. It is creatively titled..."Elizabeth Peterson, M.D." Huh.

House, himself, comes off a lot like...Santa Clause. No sarcasm, no insults, just..."Well, golly gee, aren't I silly?" and "You know you want me, baby." The writing makes the dialogue in The Last of the Summer Wine seem snappy and clever.

But then, the author's screen name *is* "FallOutBoy4Life", so I don't know why I bother to criticize.

Alias: Jennifer Garner ~~Liz~~

Best friends: Gregory House and James Wilson

Age: 34

FLASHBACK!! 20 years earlier, 8th grade

Ninth period language. Probably one of the most boring classes there is. Now, now, be fair. Something tells me you slept through most of Creative Writing, too.

Before I fell asleep, something hit my head. "Liz!" The teacher said, in a scathing voice. "There's a pigeon on your head! You have head pigeons! Go see the school nurse, immediately!"

I turned around and saw a paper airplane on the floor, then I looked at Greg, who mouthed "Wasn't me"

I gave him the "yeah right" look. Greg gave me the "No, seriously! I swear! Look, it was that guy over there! See him? Yeah. Look, I work *hard*, okay? I don't have f#cking *time* to mess with you, let alone take time out of my day to have these stupid chats with you." look.

"MISS PETERSON!!" The teacher yelled.

I spun around in my chair.

"Please stop flirting with Mr. House and start paying attention."

Oh, groan. I half expect this teacher to break out into "LIZZY N' GREGORY, SITTIN' IN A TREE..."

My jaw dropped. "WHAT?!"

'What crack is she smoking?' I thought, aloud.

The entire class burst into ~~TINY CHUNKS OF HORRIBLE RED MEAT, SHOWERING US IN OFFAL AND BILE, OH THE HUMANITY~~ laughter, except Greg and me, of course, and my other best friend James. No, I'm pretty sure Wilson, of all people, would find that amusing...I sunk in my chair ~~and drowned.~~ to try to keep the attention off of my face while I turned red. I think they make easily-removable attention, now. I didn't like Greg, (Which automatically puts this woman on my "must destory" list) but the fact that I always hung out with him gave people the wrong idea that we were dating. I hope nobody's getting any ideas about me and my shrink...Rumours ~~is an incorrect spelling of the title of a Neil Simon play.~~ flew everywhere, even among teachers. Weren't they supposed to discourage those kinds of things? Right, all teachers are ever-so interested in which student is dating who. Not like they have their own lives, or anything.

'You know what, scratch that. What crack is everyone smoking? And where can I get me some?'

By the time class settled down, the bell rang. I was the first one out, then Lisa Cuddy followed after me. I hated her. Very much. Whoops, I forgot to put it in bold...

"Liz has got a boyfriend," she said in a sing-song voice.

"Go fuck yourself. Greg's MINE." She added.

She stopped dead in her tracks and dropped her boos while I kept on walking to my locker

END OF FLASHBACK

...

Wait, dropped her WHAT?

Wilson and I started cracking up at that memory.

"Oh god, that was hilarious!!" I said while trying, and I stress trying, not to laugh. First of all, no. No it wasn't. I have stories about trips to the DMV that are more gripping than that. Second, if you're screaming "OMFG THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!", I don't think anyone will be too surprised if you laugh...

"Yeah, but that last line of yours is what probably made everyone confirm that either you had a crush on ~~House~~ Cuddy or you two were dating."

"I know. I went too far with that one."

I feel bad for saying that to Lisa back then. I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally regret that because we're best of friends now.

"What're you two laughing about?"

I looked up to see Robert Chase.

"Nothing. Just a memory from when Wilson, House, and I were in junior high."

"How long ago was that? Fifty years? Hyuk hyuk hyuk..." He joked.

"No. Twenty." Wilson said.

"Jeez, lighten up, Wilson. You've been so grouchy lately! Don't be *cruel* to poor Chase! I mean, all he did was make a joke and you pounce ALL OVER HIM! He only meant it as a joke." I said. "Right?"

"Maybe."

I glared at him.

"Yes," he said quickly

Wilson and I talked about high school a lot. ~~Wilson and I chatted for a little while longer, pretty much the only thing we were talking about being recollections of the past. (A/N: I don't know how to word that correctly.)~~

I looked down at my watch. "Well, my lunch hour's over. See you later, Wilson."

I got up out of my chair and started walking to House's office.

"Bye," Wilson said. (HOT, GRIPPING DRAMATIC WRITING!!)

I got to House's office after walking for a while. It takes a few minutes to get to House's office from the cafeteria, but soon enough, I approached a door that said "Gregory House, M.D. Department Head of Diagnostic Medicine" (A/N: Or something like that. I can't remember what it says.)

I entered the door and a paper airplane was thrown at me by, who else? House.

'Woah. Déjà vu,' I thought. OH LET GO OF THE PAST YOU OLD BAG

House laughed as his paper aircraft hit my forehead. The pointy part, might I add. Just in case, for some reason, you had the idea that he'd been throwing it backwards.

"Immature as ever, aren't you, House?" I said while rubbing my forehead where the airplane hit me. (Pusspusspusspusspusspusspusspuss)

'Damn paper airplane...'

"What? I can't help myself."

"So? You can at least TRY to stop acting like an eight-year-old."

"I COULD try. But can I ask you something VERY important?"

"Shoot."

"*click*"

"...Not literally."

"Could an eight-year-old do this?" House made a weird, yet funny face.

I semi-laughed and shook my head. "Didn't you do the same thing to Cuddy?"

"Maybe."

'Well, that's a definite "yes",' I thought.

"Why are you here, anyway?" House asked in a sarcastic way.

I noticed the sarcasm, so to humour him, I said, "Because you're a sexy beast." I said this attempting to hold back laughter. Of course it didn't work. Congratulations. You just admitted your homosexuality.

"I knew it!" He exclaimed.

"Knew what?" I interrogated.

That you always liked me like THAT." Immediately after House had finished his sentence, a man dressed as a Colonel stepped into the room. "All right!" He began, in a loud tone, "That's quite enough! This story has become SILLY."

I rolled my eyes. "Ever hear of sarcasm?" Pfft, not in this fic..

He cocked his head in a House-like manner. "Huh. I could've sworn you weren't being sarcastic. You did sound awful serious, what with the laughter and all."

I opened my mouth to make a caustic remark, but nothing came out. Was he being sarcastic or not? 'Okay, I'm confused...' I thought.

"Are you confused or struck speechless by my... awesomeness?" OOOHHH BUR--Huhwha?

"Definitely, without a doubt, confused."

"Aw, darn."

In a very childlike manner, I stuck my tounge out at my best friend. And then I stuck my TONGUE out at HOUSE.

Death Note: Revive

2008-03-27T18:13:32Z

Your story's off to a bad start when the very first paragraph blatantly plagiarizes a trailer.

...for a video game.

...that stopped being even mildly popular with the goth crowd.

...eight years ago.

With that out of the way, let me just say that this isn't so much a Death Note fanfic as it is a blatant frigging session for the author.

This chapter is, literally, absolutely nothing more than "kay, kay gais mai rp charactr he is gona be named akane n hez gona be goth an emo an be like rrl rrl smart but insane 2 cuz tht's hawt and hez gona now marital arts OH AN HEZ GINA BE LIKE JUST LIKE L kay gais?

...gais?"

So you'll be happy to know I included the second chapter.

'Cause I'm so darn nice.

"What's wrong, Alice ~~Ryuga~~?”

“My parents are...gone. ~~Mom…has passed away~~.”

“What else is wrong?”

“Something’s…broken.”

“What's broken, Alice? ~~What is~~?”

“I am.”

Akane Ryuga, RYOOOOOOGA! born on January 23, 2005, is 15 years old and already a college senior. In more interesting news, Stendhal turns 225 today! Stayed in Amamatsu Asylum I'm a matsu, too. A matsu, matsu man! Do you believe in matsu, too?[/reaching] for eight years, was released from it at age 12 and was capable of attending Toronto-...Oh University as a freshman.

...

Okay, okay, okay, now, being totally sane, I'm really not very well versed on how asylums work...but I'm pretty sure you can't get in at age four. Unless you're, like, the ultimate badass, which is simply not possible to be while having a name like "Akane".

While we're at this, I'm not too sure they educate you in asylums. So, what, he was at a college level at age four, or...Hot damn, let's send all of our kids to an asylum!

During his time at the asylum, he watched martial arts training videos Training mentally unstable people to crack skulls with their pinkies? Sure, what could possibly go wrong? and practiced along with them in order to help him improve his energy. Yes, I'm sure he needed to prepare for the annual triathlon for crazies. As a result, when he was released, he was good enough to be taken into an advanced martial arts program and thus becoming a second degree black belt.

He has suffered from insomnia for the last eight years, which is the reason why he has black bags under his eyes. Well, he needs to keep all this angst *somewhere*. Because of this, he takes night classes at his university. In addition to his still half-poor (but still ttly hawt, amirite gais?) condition, he suffers from hallucinations, he thinks he's Ethel Merman. which is why he can start to heavily breathe and scream (a little like his actions while writing this fanfic). All of these have to be treated by some pills the asylum provided him with before he left. Except the fanfic writing. Tests show that the only thing that can cure that is a boot to the head. Other than that, his IQ is incredibly high and he’s one of the smartest seniors to walk the campus. Granted, the campus' claim to fame was being the only one that agreed to give Paris Hilton a degree...

Due to his past, Ryuga is incredibly sarcastic and dark-minded, but that doesn’t mean he’s evil. It means he's a teen. If anyone is troubled, it's probably his fault. ~~he is more than glad to help them.~~ His likes include sweets, relaxing on the university rooftop alone, helping others, martial arts, men, and guns. However, he extremely dislikes being underestimated. Kyou, is that you? Ryuga has shaggy, dark blue hair that blocks both of his eyes like a sheepdog (a picture of him can be seen on my profile under OC Characters) Ralph? Skazz? and can commonly be seen wearing emo or gothic clothing, but at times, he moves some of his hair aside so people can see his huge, panda-like eyes. I wonder if he needs scientists to help *him* learn how to mate, too.

Chapter 2

The professor instructed the many students that sat in front of him. What he was instructing them to do, however, is too explicit to be shown here. An overhead projector was lit up after drinking all night with Danny DeVito and showing an image of a real life heart. What's a "life heart"? Some students were paying close attention and were awake, while others slowly began to close their eyes or completely collapse their face onto their desk, ignoring the teacher's insistence that this was "just like an episode of House". Ryuga wasn’t doing either, instead he began to shiver. His heart began to race faster and faster and his forehead slowly began to sweat. He's having an episode!! He collapsed his head onto his desk (Well, then, technically, he *was* doing something the others were doing) and started breathing heavily. Honey, please, not in class...

Ahead -OR- up in front, he saw a man squatting on the floor...Ew. He was wearing a loose, white shirt and baggy jeans. His hair was unkempt and black, and his eyes were huge and panda-like, a lot like his. Oh, yeah. That's hawt.

“He’s back Ryuga, he’s back…” the man’s voice whispered to Ryuga.

"Hey! Down in front!" An angry student called out, chucking a can at the man's head.

Ryuga shook his head and tried to snap back to reality. When he opened his eyes again, the man was gone.

This meant it was time to take out his pills. Maybe he should invest in a timer, or something. So he quietly took out his water bottle and two, small white pills. One would mean he kept living in this world, one would make him see just how far the rabbit hole goes. He immediately gulped the two medications down and drunk down his water. His heart continued to race for a while, but soon it slowly began beating at its normal rate and his forehead began to cool down. Oh, what a relief, I was so worried he wouldn't tell me EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. Ryuga sighed as a relief. Beverly groaned as a annoyance.

“Um, ~~Ryuga~~ RYOOOOOOGA-san, is there something wrong?” the professor suddenly asked while tilting his head to the side to see the dark-eyed boy. Because that's what people do when they want to see something clearly.

They tilt their head.

“Oh, no; everything’s fine here. Well, y'know, 'cept for the whole 'Exorcist' transformation episode I was having. That tends to happen a lot.” Ryuga replied when coming to his senses. He heard some people on the sides and back snicker “freak”. But he let all the tenseness out and continued focusing on his studies. If you know what I mean.

Later After Class

Ryuga sat on the side of the rooftop by gluing his butt to the wall. ~~squatting down.~~ He ate the chocolate cake he ordered in the food court and began to think about the man he saw in his hallucination. Who was he? What did his hallucination mean by ‘He was back’? It probably meant he should lay off the staying up all night and eating cake.

As he was thinking, Ryuga put his index finger to his lips and began nibbling it. PHALLIC IMAGERY, ANYONE?? However without noticing, two council members appeared behind him. "SURPRISE!" THEY SHOUTED LOL MOAR GAY OVERTONES

I'll stop now. Because, quite honestly, I can't take anymore.

A desperate cry for help.

2008-03-21T06:23:37Z

There's an odd feeling I get in reading Eragon fanfiction. As anyone who's spoken to me for more than five seconds (or has read any given entry on this LJ) knows, I loathe and despise Eragon, the book, Eragon, the character, and Eragon, the author. Though he isn't insisting anyone call him that...yet.

It feels weird in that most of the fics I come across are really not much worse than the source material. Indeed, this one features a Mary Sue with a dumb, airy-fairy, fakey fantasy name. Just like Eragon. The story is dull, uninteresting, and uninspired. Just like Eragon. And there's loads of unintentional humor, usually from overuse of really bad prose.

Just like Eragon.

I suppose the only difference is that Paolini had no pre-existing character to fall head over heels in love with Eragon, unlike this chick, who's character is paired with fangirl favorite, Murtaaaaagggh...h.

Vihrea (Nedja. There. I just created an equally horrible fantasy name by closing my eyes and banging on keys. I'm *so* getting mommy and daddy to publish a book about Nedja and her wacky adventures with her pet ogre. Okay, I'm done.)* walked down the stone halls of Galbatorix's kingdom. Her ~~bare~~ bear feet pressed soundlessly to the void ~~cold floor~~ as she ~~came to the large wooden door that led to the Throne Room~~ plummeted to her untimely demise, they very room, they very comfort! where she had first encountered him. She shuddered. "He'd better not make me listen to his prose again..."

But that, was nearly thirteen years ago. Now she was, 18, a skilled swordswielder, yeah, that's totally a word, shut up! and under the identity of Galbatorix's daughter. ~~Really?~~ RLY? No, not by blood. Never by blood. That's how diseases are spread.

Vihrea opened the door after her hesitation, and walked to stand before Galbatorix, the very creator of the Everlasting Galbastopper. She extended a foot and tripped ~~bowed~~ before she spoke, "You sumoned me, Father?" Puh. Father. Wait, now I'm confused, is "Puh" another name?

"Yes," He extended a knarled hand to point at an ebony pedistool, No comment. upon it a raven-and-gold dragon egg. Hmmm..."red", "robin's egg blue", er...*flip flip flip*....Nope. I don't see any color listed with the name "raven". Nice try though. Next time try "pedistool brown".

Vihrea cocked her head so fast it cracked. Blood flew every which way. She flinched, walked over to the egg, and laid a steady hand on it.** Seconds passed. Passed....passed....passed...passed...Cracks invisible to the untrained eye ran through it, so they really weren't worth mentioning, but this story needs all the padding it can get...and the shell burst only to have the remains fly across the room. The screams were horrible. Cries like "My eye!" and "My shins!" and "My kidney!" were heard from every unfortunate soul in the room. Except for Vihrea, who is immortal seeing as how she's the illegitimate child of an elf and vampire. And a fairy princess. And a Harvard graduate. And God.

Galbatorix leaned forward expectantly and examined the hatchling. "I see a horn!" It was black over all, with golden-coloured spikes and amber eyes. A single golden streak ran from its nose to the first spike. "Ooooh! It's precious! Let's go put tape on its feet!"

"So?" Galbatorix said.

"It," Vihrea paused. "Is female." BUM BUM BUUUUUM.

Galbatorix raised a brow. "Female?" he echoed. "But I thought..." and trailed off. "...Wait, how do you even freaking KNOW? Sicko."

Vihrea stroked the hatchling calmly, eyeing Galbatorix with a raised brow. Eyeing him with her brow? Why do I have an image of Brooke Shields in my head, now?

"No matter. Murtagh," The red rider stepped from the shadowy corner, and Murtagh, too, startling Vihrea. "You and Thorn will be training Vihrea and her dragon once they are ready. There's a tape in my room with 'Eye of the Tiger' on it. You'll be needing that. Now, you both are dismissed."

They exited swiftly, Vihrea clutching the dragon with its claws against her chest. Even dragon's can't help but cop a feel of Vihrea's ample bosom.

"So," Murtagh said, ~~raising a~~ eyeing Vihrea with his brow. "You're the new Rider, huh?"

"Apparently so. And, you are? I wasn't paying much attention, sorry."

"Oh, not at all. I'm Murtagh."

"Vihrea. Pleasure." she said, readjusting the dragon as it squealed.

"No, ma'am, my name is Murtagh. It's a common mistake, really."

And they continued down the corridor in awkward silence.

*It'll rip off American Graffiti, since Star Wars was already taken.
**Sure to be her Oscar moment in the upcoming movie, No Country for Old Sues.

Lame. I know. But I'm out of practice. What do you want? I've resorted to doing ERAGON fanfiction, for crying out loud.

I'm not getting any feedback whatsoever, here. With one complaint, I could STOP BEiNG SO DARNED LAME. C'mon, I need help. Sad face.

The Gunslinger

2008-03-07T22:54:59Z

The reason I have not updated...well, anything for a while now has been because of my brief love affair with the Sims 2, weird sleep patterns that are beginning to make me lose my train of thought and become disoriented, and, of course, I was trudging my way through The Gunslinger.

I'd never read a Stephen King novel before in my life, but I figured it was impossible to make a setting like this boring.

Heh.

Ehehheh.

Now, keep in mind, I have a high, *high* threshold for pain. I have braved more lemons than I care to count and have read bits and pieces of Touched by Venom. In fact, the only book that really hurt me was Dickens' Tale of Two Cities.

The story itself isn't at all bad, it's the way it's told. The way things are described, mainly. I'm still looking for a decent summary of the book, so I can figure out what in hell I just read. For example, there's a scene for two men are either having hot monkey sex or having a sissy slapfight. I still really don't know. But I know one guy became immortal, which is all I was supposed to figure out, I think.

Maybe. Probably.

And the anti-hero is an unlikable bastard. I realize that this *is* the definition of anti-hero, but at least, I dunno, give him a personality beyond "unlikable bastard". Well, "unlikable, horny bastard".

Just about every conversation our hero has with a woman goes like this:

Roland: I need information.
Female Unit: Bedroom's the first door to the left, I'll be in there in a minute.
Roland: *grumble grumble*thingsidoforwhateveritisimdoing*grumble*

By the end of the book, I'm more or less convinced Roland is gay. Besides the fact that there are women practically throwing themselves at his crotch Robin-style and he acts as if this is an *inconvenience*, there's the fact that the one woman he *does* want to have sex with is a pregnant, 300-pound gorilla.

Who he, apparently, later rapes with his gun. But like I said, none of this is very clear. They could just be playing pattycake.

So yeah. Roland gets "information" from, I dunno, two or three women in the book, which isn't bad. But Roland isn't the most attractive man in the world. The only way I was able to get past certain scenes without feeling ill was by imagining him looking slightly different than described. But then I just felt ill when Mr. King reminds us of his obsession with Roland's penis. Roland can not just be excited/scared. Never. It's a lose-lose, in this case.

Despite all this, I'll still read the Drawing of the Three. Partly because I'm bored, and partly because I still think the story is pretty interesting. I'd like to see how it ends, I guess.

Huzzah, I updated!

FFIX story (YAY GENERIC!)

2008-02-20T04:30:01Z

I searched high and low for the title of this story. Screw it, it's not like it makes a difference.

This FFIX fic is pretty hilarious, but disturbing in that it requires you acknowledge that one of the men in FFIX actually has a penis. Mercifully, it isn't Kuja. This time.

After a night of FIREY HOT PASSION (that you don't get to read), Garnet gets pregnant with Zidane's baby. But for some reason he needs to run away. There is no real reason, other than to evoke tears from 14-year-old girls who spend their days drawing pictures of Cloud and...well, writing fanfics.

The prose is purpler than an asphyxiphiliac Barney the Dinosaur, and nowhere near as entertaining.

Zidanes POV

I lay there. Looking at my wife’s face and thinking about other women. what just happened last night. Man, I must've been really wasted...The lust for each other was over my head. Or was that the ceiling?...Yeah, that makes a little more sense. Totally out of control. TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! I looked at her soft closed face.

...

Wait for it...

As she breathed on my face. Halitosis. She is now Queen and me King. Me King. Me big fella. Other fella number 10. ruling it for a few weeks now. But, why? how am I going to tell her. That I have a problem with. Ending sentences at inappropriate. Times. When I just gave her what she wanted for years, ITS A BRAND NEW CAAAARRRR!! just last night. I felt so stupid and guilty. She is my Queen my love of my life and now I have to leave her. Add commas in the right places, and it sounds like he's addressing his mistress. Now. It’s not going to be fair. She will be devastated. Maybe hit me...Yikes. All of the feelings you get after making a horrible mistake can be summed up with "yikes"! I don’t want to hurt her in just any way! I just...have to go hide for a few days. Some unfinished business I have to deal with as the King of Alexandria. I clenched my teeth in ~~hate~~ Garnet.

“Why do I have to leave her? What if she gets hurt? Or needs me but im not there! I suppose I could just stay...Nah."

I thought to myself as I stared at the ceiling. Passing up that hot medicine woman...what was I thinking?! I looked out the window all across Alexandria the sun just coming up. I flashed my manly manliness for all the kingdom to see! I knew I would have to tell her and have to real soon.

I got up out of bed, seeing my beautiful Garnet still in the bed sound asleep. And my wife, too. I tiptoed to the closet and grabbed some boxers. We raise dogs, now. After I put them on. I headed into the kitchen feeling a cold breeze from the big balcony window. Is that another way of saying you left your fly unzipped? So many memories in this place. That just happened a few years ago.

“Zidane the thief!” I thought to myself then chuckled. "He was a cool guy...I wonder whatever happened to him?"

I made some eggs to warm my body up since eggs are a wonderful source of...uh. Heat, apparently. I had no shirt on, just boxers. A little something for the ladies~ So the stove kept some heat as I put in some toast and flipping my hair back to make it spike up (?!). I was finishing up the eggs when I turned to see Garnet making out with Steiner. OH NO ITS ONE OF THOSE FICS. I jumped a foot in the air as I saw her presence. She is always so quiet when she wakes up and scares the hell out of me! Helps that in the morning she's probably a spitting image of Samara... She stood there trying to wake up but her eyes just drooped over her face, as she was about to fall. I grabbed her butt just as she was going to hit her head on the tile floor. She looked at me like it was old times. That look I feel in love with. That coulda been a typo, but all the prose has made me confused.

“Sorry Zidane! I guess last night took more energy out of me than I thought!” She laughed as I held her tiny body out of the window. She was wearing her bra and underwear. It's good to be the king. But other than that she was most likely naked. That's usually what people are underneath their clothing, yes. Well so was I! We both laughed and I helped her up. I stared at her, like examining her wrinkled features and her formerly gorgeous body. I got out of my gaze when I smelled burnt toast! I turned around to black smoke coming out of the toaster. I yelled and ran over to grab the toast out. It burnt my hands. It wasn't very smart, in retrospect. Yep, burnt to a crisp. I laughed and unplugged the toaster so it could chill down. Boxers and toasters, eh? Alexandria is awfully...nah, it's not worth the effort...

I went back over to the eggs as I felt a hand on my waist going up my stomach to my chest. Feeling her ~~bare~~ bear skin against my back as she kissed the back of my shoulder. I knew she didn’t just want attention she just loved me so much to touch me everywhere! (As an aside, since when has Yahshua been writing fanfics?) And I let her because she was my wife. If she were say, my mom, this would just be *weird*. But, something wasn’t right. Her voice sounded almost...motherly...

I put the breakfast on the table as I heard her in the bathroom. She has been in there for awhile now probley around ten minutes. She shouldn't have eaten the nachos. It scared me...that she could both be kissing my back and be in the bathroom at the same time. I put our late breakfast on the table as I ran to the bathroom. I opened the door and stood there looking at Garnet throwing up in the toilet. Over and over the same sound gagging. I gulped down hard seeing her sick face all pale and tired. Ewww, I was sucking on that last night. I couldn’t just stand there. I ran over to bend down as she talked.

“Zidane...” She said as she threw up again. "Wow!" I exclaimed. "Impressive! Now say the alphabet!"

I didn’t know what to do. Maybe she was...my eyes grew big. Well, that's a dumb name for a disease. In less than twenty minutes we were still not leaving to go to the hospital. Leaving our breakfast as I ran her to the hospital putting clothes on her and me of course. He's putting himself on her wile she's puking up her guts? Getting into my car trying to remember this moment if it was true. I drove really fast seeing my Garnet throwing up in a bucket since we had no toilet! Curse the day I said "no" to that traveling portable toilet salesman! I parked and got her out bridal style and ran her to the hospital. The doctors ran to me wanting to know what was wrong. But when they saw her face, they knew. I will demand a psychic doctor from now on.

It was now one hour later as I sat on a chair with my head low and my hands clasped together. Dear God, please don't let her be pregnant... I prayed. Not knowing if she would be ok. Not knowing what was going on in there. Not knowing much of anything, really. I bit my lip as a doctor came out to stand in front of me. Not to do anything else. Just stand in front of me. Looking satisfied I stood up. He took his clip-bored (Yes. Very.) and read out my name.

“Zidane Tribal?” He asked looking up from his clip-bored to see my scared face. But I nodded. Good to know the people know their king so well. And wouldn't Alexandria have...I dunno, midwives or something? Hospitals seem like a bit of a stretch.

“Well then you can go see your wife. But, she is very weak but gathering strength but rather quickly. So be careful. Oh, and congratulations!” He said as he walked down the hall way smiling. "Way smiling"?

“What? Congratulations? For what! Wait, come back! YOU CONFUSE ME FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER!!” I said asking myself as I stepped into the hospital room seeing my wife laying there, looking into my eyes. I went over and sat down holding her hand. I felt bad. This was not the first child I'd had.

This month.

“Zidane. I got some news..” She said as she sat up with my help. She used me to prop up her back.

“And what news is that?” I asked looking at her face go boom ~~tense~~.

“Well...” She started but chocked. “I-I’m...~~preventing the forward movement of a wheel or vehicle with a chock!~~” She looked down. I knew what she was going to say and I didn’t want to hear it...not now! Not when I have to leave her! I felt so guilty I lowered my head from her gaze. Then the word came out like it was a sword stabbing my stomach.

“Zidane, Im pregnant...” Garnet said smiling, I smiled back trying not to give away the news that quick. I knew I had to talk next. My eyes went big with horror ~~excitement~~.

“Im so happy Garnet! A baby, my baby that’s great!” I bent over to give her a big AAAAAAAGHH!!! hug. Phew. She needed that. But, what she needed most now was...me. "C'mon, babeh, let's try for TWO."

After about two hours of doctors coming in and out checking on her baby and seeing if it would be ok. I didn’t know how they could do that since it was just conceived. Magic. Sure. Magic. That explains everything. But, whatever they got to do, they do! I laughed as I was driving her back home rubbing her tummy with one hand as I drove into Alexandria, with the sun shining. ...Driving? I brought her upstairs to see everyone had a surprise party for us. Wow, word travels fast. Must be MAGIC. I couldn’t believe it. Everyone was there. All of them looked different in a way. Quina was pregnant, too...And I'm the baby daddy.

Garnet smiled as she told Eiko and Freya about her experience. Sure, swap pornographic stories at a *baby shower*, why don't you...While I talked to Vivi and Steiner. We had presents and cake. And some baby presents. And a stripper. No, wait, it's just Beatrix. Honestly, I thought this was a little fast but when I saw some of the stuff the guilt was coming back to me. I had to snap out of it I was going to become a dad. And to me that was the best news in the world. I thought where all our other friends were. But, they were probley settling down with families of their own. Our friends, some family members, guards everywhere, the works.

We were King and Queen and of course the news will spread over Alexandria and we will have alot of parties and presents and congrats! YOU JUST GOT HOME FROM THE FRIGGING HOSPITAL! It was fun but every time I looked at Garnet she was so excited and happy! She was going to be a mother I can’t blame her. For...being...a mother. But, she can blame me because I have to leave her.

After a few hours of partying I had her to myself. All alone on the day I knew I would become a daddy in nine months. Its not like it scared me, it horrified me! I was scared for the baby, for Garnet...Even for me! I have to get my head on straight I’m the King! Everyone is counting on me (I count one! One deadbeat dad!) and I don’t want to let them down. I was in the kitchen cleaning up as she was resting in the bedroom. Me thinking to myself how I’m going to tell her. Tell her I have to leave her and the baby for dead.

Runaway: A Road Adventure, Pt. 4

2008-02-20T00:24:49Z

Took a while for this to come up, but hey, I have a good reason! Two, in fact! Most importantly, nobody reads this. Secondly, I played Full Throttle and coming to this after that was like watching the funniest movie in the world and then being forced to sit through Good Luck Chuck. And then recap it.

"Ha ha ha!...No, seriously, don't be a f#%&ing idiot."

Gina has hooker's crack.

Tig Bitties and Brian make it. To Arizona, I mean, right, to Arizona, and the two say their last goodbyes to the drag queens, Brian and Gina do, too. Considering that our heroine is finally warming up to our hero, we know something terrible is about to happen. Though surprisingly, she actually makes it about a whole two feet into HopiLand before falling down a hidden mine shaft. This scene is made hilarious by Brian screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!". Twice. It's spelled like that in the subtitles and everything.

"Padme! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Told you. (Why is he groping himself?)

On the upside, this incident means we'll be seeing even less of Silicone Susan, now. On the downside, we get a long montage showing all the wonderful times we've had with her. Of course, she's only had about 2 minutes of screen time, total. About a minute and a half of that being unflattering close-up plot exposition. So most of it's in slow motion and/or is just her looking longingly into the camera. I swear, none of the stuff we see in the montage ever actually happens.

And guess just what song's playing over this? That's right. A slow-dance version of the game's theme. At first, the song was just mildly irritating. Now it's beginning to fill me with a murderous rage, and since this isn't an action game, I've got no way to make Brian hurt for it. At least Lara Croft has the decency to let you kill her in interesting ways when she begins to bug you. All you can do Brian is attempt to annoy him by combining random objects, and in this game, that's probably the best way to win.

"Do it for your family! And so I can be in the sequel!"

We are, somehow, supposed to believe Dos Globos Grandes is dead. Despite the fact that she's featured prominently on the cover of the sequel.

Gina's expression proves that the fastest way to get people to hate you is by growing a soul patch.

While we're at it, why don't we look at a few more shots from the sequel?

"'Back to your place'? Oh, don't be cute, you're gay and you know it."

"Don't worry, honey, everyone experiences a little...equipment failure at some point of their life!"

"Why does it say 'Gina' inside that heart tattoo?..."

"No, listen! Listen to us! Women are *not* all just boobs and butt! There's...there's, um. There's...Well, there's gotta be something, otherwise, why would we men use them to sire our children?!"
-Pendulo Studios

Anyway, back to the recap. Brian is distraught. I mean, who wouldn't be? He just lost the love of his...er, the woman he ran over....huh...The chick who's quite obviously been lying to him from day one. But that's not the point. Once the montage ends, A voice tells Brian to stop feeling sorry for himself, but I can't help but wonder whether or not that's actually directed toward the player.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Fonz appears to help Brian with his troubles.

Brian snaps out of it and looks up to find a one-armed man in a bad wig who's stolen Mr. T's chains and who's face appears to be melting. He's holding an umbrella, for whatever reason, and claims to be WUPUCHIM. LAST...OF THE HOPI CHEFS. I MEAN CHIEFS.

And Wupuchim as "The Sitting Woman"!

Brian believes him, being the stupid idiot he is. But what's even worse is that, yes, he *is* the last of the Hopi chiefs. He proves this by telling Brian that the crucifix is actually a key to "the ~~scared~~ sacred Hopi crypt" and being right.

"...It's a "T". You'd be surprised how many people get those confused."

So far, the majority of Brian's dialogue in this chapter has been "nooo", "heyyyy", and now, "ohhhh". I have to wonder if this script is the product of 10 monkeys with typewriters, given 20 minutes.

He directs Brian to the nearest town...which is really, maybe a quarter mile away. At most. These people couldn't find their butts with both hands tied behind their back. But I digress. There is the ever-predictable disappearance of the Chief while Brian's not looking. Oooh, Miss-TEARY-us.

Next comes the second most wonderful part of the game. Brian enters the town and gushes over how it's "just like something out of a John Ford movie!" when all of a sudden a figure leans out of an inn window and begins blasting Brian with a shotgun!! Haha! More like a Ford movie than you though, eh, b!tch?!

The moment is ruined when she stops shooting and starts talking. But...I guess I should be glad she shot first and asked the questions later. It's painfully obvious that Lani Minella is voicing both of the women in this game, the only difference being she seems to speak out of her nose when she plays shotgun woman.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my town?" She asks. It looks a lot more threatening written down than the way she says it. In fact, her tone is more suitable for a question like "My stars, what's the matter with kids today?"
Brian simply tells her he's not a bad guy, and after giving it some deep thought (and about 3 nanoseconds), shotgun lady invites him inside the inn.

The girl introduces herself as "Sushi Douglas". The sign behind her says "Welcome to Douglasville".

Oh boy.

About as close to the "little-kid-who-ruins-the-whole-movie" part this game gets to. Granted, she could have been worse, and she's far from the worst character in the game, but her history is filled with so many clichés it's like hearing a story about one of the Disney princesses as written by a six-year-old.

She's the eccentric heiress (1 point) of a remote town (3 points) that was owned by her great-grandfather (4 points) who only owned the town because he'd bought it after he struck it rich with his gold mine (10 points). She lives with her two friends, the eccentric artist (5 points), named Saturn (3 points), and the Rastafarian stoner (10 points), Rutger.

(I just realized, I haven't even gotten a chance to play the game yet...)

She immediately rushes into telling you all about the history of this dear town. Great-grandad's mines eventually became so long they bumped into an Indian/Native-American/some sort of village. Neither side willing to share, a horrible bloodbath ensued. And of course, the game's not gonna show you any of it. Maybe they figured the close-ups from the beginning were scary enough.

The townsfolk thought they had won, until an Indian medicine man put a curse on the people (500 points).

Gold ran out, people caught a strange disease, and the train derailed, crushing Sushi's great-grandfather somehow. Now *that's* a helluva curse! If more people used curses, there would be no war. Or war, at the very least, would be insanely entertaining. "MAY YOUR GOLD RUN OUT AND YOUR LEADER BE CRUSHED BY A TRAIN!"

Despite all this, Sushi has no idea where the village is. For cripes sake, you've lived here for years, there's nothing around but vast expanses of flat, and you can't find a friggin' Indian village? Great, of all the characters we could have had, we're stuck with the Paris Hilton of ghost towns.

She says she'll help look for it, which is gamespeak for "You go do some puzzles till you trigger somethin', mmkay?"

"Oh, no, wait. That's our play tester."

"Wow! How convenient! Now I won't need a door opening animation! Ha!"

So I chose to speak to Saturn, whose real name is Kevin. He doesn't give a reason for having such an asinine nickname, no, it is simply "Saturn" to open up a horrible joke later on. Thankfully, it has nothing to do with Uranus.

He gives Brian a nickname, too, "BB". Wow. That's so clever. I get it, "Brian Basco"..."BB". I can tell Saturn's a real intellectual guy.

I could make a bra joke here, but I'm treading on thin ice as it is.

The other bit here is that Saturn is a modern artist. Therefore, all of his work is "uhh....interesting!" and he is extremely pretentious. Lol. Cuz all them modern artists are like, total hacks, amirightguys?

But the stereotypes don't stop here. Oh no. I'm saving the best (worst?) for last.

Another area contains a small building that looks...well, look at it.

Brian comments that it looks Mexican. Gee. No sh!t, Sherlock.

He draws no attention to the head on a stick outside of the house. I dunno. Seems like sort of a red flag...to me, anyway. Funny how Brian is scared witless by bats and mud but this is just fine and dandy.

Brian decides to speak to the guard, who looks like Arch Hall Jr. Lots and lots of Arch Hall Jr. With a bellybutton piercing.
The guard is only slightly more intelligent than a soiled mattress, which, as I have learned from various movies and games alike, is as smart as guards get.

His voice is reminiscent of the Looney Tunes version of the Abominable Snowman, only slower and much, much dumber. He's not at all important right now, so let's move on.

Next up is the most annoying, stereotypical, blood-boilingly irritating character in this whole game. There are no words that can fully express my hatred for the turd that is Joshua.

Bosco: AAAAGH!!!

Pendulo went all out in making sure Joshua was WACKY!!!1. This guy makes Speedy Gonzales look subtle, Ernest Borgnine look attractive, and Spencer Breslin almost likable. But just almost.

He's wearing a hat that looks like it was made out of radioactive children's toys (Made in China), one boot, and his shirt makes him look as if he's more than willing to give Christopher Walken more cowbell. He's also got Angelina Jolie's lips and horse teeth, resulting in one of the most hideous voiceovers I've ever heard in a game. I...I tried to describe it, and the only way it can be accurately done is this:

Take the absolute worst SNL cast member, and give him/her helium and crack (If they did not bring their own). Tell them to do their impression of a homicidal Mexican man that is going through withdrawal symptoms.

Joshua's trying to make contact with aliens (Ugh...) by using a large machine he's set up (despite the fact that he's apparently come here on a small moroncyc...er, motorcycle), but for some reason or another, the machine isn't running. I'll be honest. I couldn't tell you what the reason was. The babbling all begins to become a blur after a while.

But after a series of puzzles, the machine is almost running. All that remains is acquiring gasoline.

Gasoline that must be combined with water(!) to work.

Not just any amount, of course, *exactly* 44cc's per liter, leading to yet another puzzle identical to that of many a better adventure game (and even a few certain RPGs). I wish the unoriginality stopped here. Actually, I wish the game stopped here.

So the machine eventually gets up and running, and my absolute least favorite kind of puzzle begins.

Why, why do developers automatically assume all adventure gamers are musical geniuses who can play any song by ear and have mastered at least three instruments? Voyage did it. I'm pretty sure at least one Myst game did it. Return to Mysterious Island did it, and now, Runaway has done it. It's a horrible cliche and must be stopped.

Five notes good, two notes bad.

Though I guess it could be worse...

The puzzle is the very definition of contrived, but it summons the aliens from the Phantom of Trantor (Who happen to like bootblacking VERY MUCH), engulfing Joshua in a beam of blue light and abducting him, hopefully for painful experiments and some anal probing. No, *lots* of anal probing.

While this is happening, Brian is saying things like "What's going on? What's that light? He disappeared! Where could he have gone?!" Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Joshua leaves his retarded Lego hat behind, and Brian, being a something-or-other, steals it. Hey, it's four in the morning. Cut me a break.

This has no bearing on the plot (but then, what does?), but I thought I'd mention that the next puzzle requires Brian to fill an oil can with water, traverse across five screens, empty the can into a train, and repeat the process six or seven times. Lacking a warp option, this grows tiresome quickly, and I can honestly say this is the first game I've ever played where I actually began to resent the way the main character walked. (Seriously. This happened.)

Brian gives Saturn the hat, and Saturn starts picking up alien signals. Which could have been funny. Wait. No, it couldn't have. So...this must be important to the plot in some way then, right? Anyone?

...hello?

I just noticed there's another pinup in the saloon. Pendulo likes porn more than Deadpool ever did.

After all of this, our hero has collected all the things he needs...to create, are you ready for this?...

CHEWING TOBACCO.

THAT'S IT.

He gives the chewing "tobacky" (Yes. This is how they say it.) to Arch Hall Jr. Jr., who's name turns out to be Oscar. Which reminds me of Syberia. Which reminds me that there *are* still great adventure games being made.

It's at this point that I realize Oscar's voice actor is trying his darndest to imitate a southern accent, and failing miserably, which at least explains the "tobacky" "hankering" "Oscar" "has". Sure. Excuse me for believing even for a second that this game would have characters that are less stereotypical than those of Monster Madness.

In turn for the tobacky, Oscar moves a large boulder, that's been blocking the entrance to a mine since the beginning of the level. Oh. Sorry, did I forget to mention that?

Okay...well, there's a big boulder that's been blocking off a mine for the whole chapter. There! Now you're all caught up with the game's complex plot! Aren't you RIVETED?!

Oh, by the way, Brian has a map now.

Oh, and by the way, the chapter's over.

"Gina?! I thought you DIED, what gives?!"

And I don't think I've ever been happier.

Please, please let me know if I did something wrong (left something out, not making any sense, etc.) I've only got two chapters left, and I'd like to get them right!

I still have time

2008-01-26T06:57:30Z

After searching, and searching, and searching for a new fic, I've finally come across a couple that are truly awe-inspiring in their horridness.

Because I love you people, I won't make you read the Ratchet & Clank Mary Sue porn.

Well...maybe just a little.

"Slowly the Lombax pulled himself out, collapsing in the snow next to the other. He wrapped his arms around Cail, pulling the creature on top of him. He lifted his legs up, wrapping them around the other,..."

Okay, that's enough of that. You can stop crying, geez! Wimp...

Anyhow, bad fics written for an absolutely terrible game. There's a surprisingly large amount of "Angel of Darkness" fanfiction. And, naturally, all of them really, truly suck.

This is one of those fics.

Kurtis lifted Lara to safety by using his powers, unfortunately, he remembered his powers were limited to communicating with the dead and they both plummeted to their doom. he didn’t care about him self only the safety of Lara but Lara couldn’t leave him there After all, who would be an intrusion on continuity? Who would not appear in the sequel? Who would clean Lara's socks?, for once in her life she felt as if everything she'd done had been a total waste. she was in love and she wasn’t going to just walk away from the biggest *nudge nudge* adventure *wink wink* she will ever come across. *say no more*

Boaz had just stumbled as she was very, very plastered. one of her legs got caught in the holes on the grid so there was time, time, time, time, time for something she thought would never happen to her. She got her own spinoff!

Lara jumped off the balcony ~~and died. Blood leaked everywhere. It was horrible, HORRIBLE I TELL YOU! OH, THE HUMANITY! HERE COMES THE MEAT WAGON WEEE OOOOH WEEE OOOH!!--~~ nearly losing her footing and ran into Kurtis arms.

“LARA! What are you doin with that shotgu--……………” Kurtis couldn’t finish the sentence , Lara had pushed herself against Kurtis lips . So, what, they're kissing? Or they're...I'd rather not think about it, considering the author didn't specify what part of Lara's body she's...ew...The serge of electricity ~~emotion~~ that ran through the both of them was deadly ~~unbelievable~~, it was like time had stopped and they where the only two on the planet. Gee. Haven't heard that one before. The kiss seemed to go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and evar but when they parted it seemed like it didn’t go on long enough. That's funny, I'm having almost the exact opposite reaction to this fic...

“Kurtis I….I.love your money and could never leave your money and I never want to” tears started to roll down Lara’s face but see just kept staring into those amazing blue eyes Um. Tears don't work like that., usually Lara would never be able to read them but his eyes expressed more than words could ever In fact, they were showing the latest from the Wall Street Journal! Huh...stocks are down..., they where soft and gentle eyes that you could just melt in . HIS SCLERA'S TEMPERATURE HAS RISEN TO A DANGEROUSLY HIGH LEVEL!! HIS EYE WILL NOW SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!

“Lara, I love you more than anything on this planet...but I'm just a throwaway character. It could never work. , in the goddamn universe Why am I thinking of Batman?..., I know we haven’t known each other for long but the feeling I get when I’m around you is something I have never felt before in my life Someone needs to give this boy a copy of the latest Playboy. and all I want to do is get to know you...well, okay, I wanna do *other* things, too, but we're already pushing the amount of sex jokes we're allowed to have………But because of the way I feel I need to do this im sorry kthxbi”

Just then Lara felt a invisible force push her into the air towards the balcony Forgive me if I'm not terribly intimidated by the invisible trampoline, she was being parted from the one thing that felt SO right “KURTIS I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!! I'LL HUNT DOWN YER FAMILY AND CUT THEIR THROATS AND THEN I'LL KILL THE DOG AND TURN HIM INTO SANDWICH MEAT!!” she screamed out showing the very weak side she worked so hard on hiding.

“Please Lara just GO , go get out of here and get revenge for the both of use” Both of WHAT use? he was pleading to Lara , he knew if anything ever happen to her he would never forgive himself, he just wanted her out of this dangerous place even though he knew that going after Eckhardt would probably be even more dangerous.

The reader realized, at this point, that the author would never make so much as an attempt to reveal different points in the story through characters, and would resort only to typing out every single insignificant thing until the reader is so numb in the brain area that this passes for a deep plot with deep characters, despite the fact that the characters would often have to be mind readers for the events to unfold as they do in the story. This is known as the Paolini method, and usually works on teenagers, small children, and/or adults with an IQ of 20.

Lara could see that he was trying to protect her , something no one in Lara’s life ever tired to do for her. I would certainly never tire of trying to win the affection of a busty British woman...

“Okay Kurtis……..I’ll do it but only because its your baby ~~for you~~” and with that Lara was gone.

Kurtis turned around to Boaz , Kurtis could see that at any moment she would be free. Yep. Any minute now.

...

Aaaaany minute now...

“At least I still have time” he said as he reloaded his boharn X. "Reloading your boharn" is SO gonna be my new euphemism for something.

Now the whole Karel and Lara thing happens but Karel doesn’t change into Kurtis. Now *this* is a riveting action scene.

Im sorry but im just way to lazy to write out what happens , you all have read it like a 100 times away.

....Yeah. Right about here seems a good place to stop. The rest of it's still pretty hilarious, though. I'm getting flashbacks from that John Travolta/Lily Tomlin movie, only instead of Lily saying "Oh, Strip!" every two seconds it's Lara screaming "KURTIS".

Kingdom Hearts 3:Keyblade weilders path

2008-01-24T19:45:35Z

*sigh* It's a bad sign when you can't even be bothered to spell the title right. This is a bad fic. Almost every other word is spelled incorrectly. The story is uninspired. "Syntax" is what you have to pay after playing with yourself.

Quotation marks are only used at random. It is normally impossible to tell who is saying what.

In other words...it's your average "Kingdom Hearts" script, unofficial or no.

Prolouge MY but aren't we off to a great start?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXX...Oh, *fine*, I'll quit stalling...

(Three men are walking through a long white hall YOU'D THINK ONE OF 'EM WOULD HAVE SEEN IT towards 7 people dressed in cloaks)

(The black haired man was wearing an all blue suit,with a red line going through the middle, Great, the fate of the world rests in the hands of a jogger...he also has a keyblade in the place of a right hand) What's *really* funny is watching him try to strangle people for making fun of him...

(The blonde haired man was wearing a long white coat with a white shirt with a black X in the middle Pirates are hiding treasure in his chest cavity! and black pants and white fingerless gloves who had the bond of flame keyblade) Just about the most generic RPG outfit ever, next to Tidus'.

(The white haired man who was walking in the middle of the street was grandpa! wearing a white shirt with a black key in the middle and a black jacket, and blue pants, The Fonz! he didn't have a keyblade out at the moment) Ladies, just you wait till Henry Winkler whips his keyblade out...

So,Xemnas,you called us here,what do you want?Asked the gray haired man.

We want you to do us a favor.said Xemnas. "We really, really need you to start using the spacebar."

What?Aked the man. "This...'spacebar' you speak of...does it hurt?"

send some of your younger people over to ourside.said Xemnas. "We'll let your younger people and my younger people work out the details..."

No!yelled the man. "I refuse to...do...whatever it is...you're asking! Ah, crap, I've forgotten the plot..."

Hmmm,I figured you say that,So...just make it up. It's not as if anyone's paying attention."

AEL NOW!yelled Xemnas.

~~(A waitress appears and hands Xemnas a large mug of ael.)~~

(The man with blonde hair attacks the man with ~~black hair~~ the yellow hat)

(The man with black hair quickley jumps away before the man with blonde hair can hit him) Apparently, the blonde man moves like molasses going uphill in January. With crutches.

Ael,you traitor!yelled The man with gray hair. "You said *I* could attack him!"

Shut it Atmos.said Ael.

And besides,it's not Ael anymore. "And it isn't 'Incrediboy', either!"

(The man pulls off his wig revealing red spikes)

It's ~~Knuckles!~~ Axel!yelled Axel.

Hmmmm. (The sound of the author trying to put together a thought.)

What?asked Axel.

~~"I SAID 'HMMMMMM'!!"~~ you were a good student Axel,the best,but you betrayed me,you have failed me.said Atmos. "Shaaaaaame."

(Axel looks down at the ground.)

*sniffle* S...S-SHUT UP!Yelled Axel as he swung his keyblade at Atmos.

(Atmos jumped backward as Axel swung his keyblade)

FIRAGA!yelled Axel as he pointed his Keyblade at Atmos. "Kreega! Bundalo!"

(A big ball of fire shoots out and explodes, killing everyone. And all the important people lived happily ever after. of the keyblade and goes toward Atmos)

REFLEGA!yelled Atmos at he raised his hand. "Ia Cthulhu fhtagn!"

(The ball of fire hits the reflega and goes back toward Axel) Yes. We know how it works. Thanks.

(The Fire hits Axel causing him to fall over)

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!Yelled Axel as he rolled on the floor trying to extinguish the flames. (Best unintentionally hilarious mental image ever.)

Now that the traitor is dealt with,I can kill you now.said Atmos.

...Whut?

Really...

"Beam me up, Scotty. There is no intelligent life on this planet." (Two of the men teleport away)

(Two other men walk forward and back, forward and back! And siiiide-step, grapevine, and jazz hands, girls!...)

(One of the men gets out a dictionary ("Spay-s bahr...Spaaase baahhh--AH! Here it is!") and traps the man with black hair in it,and then disappears)

What did you do with him!yelled Atmos as he ran toward Xemnas. Oh, sure, run *towards* the guy who can zap people into books...

(Xemnas just smiles) "I trained at the Gehn Memorial School for Complete Dickweeds!"

(Atmos punches him in the face causing him (Atmos) to fall over)

(The other men get out there weapons,a tomahawk,a sheild, and a buckler) How are two guys going to attack with shields? Or does the author not know what a "buckler" is?...

(Atmos gets out his silver keyblade and points it at Xemnas.) As opposed to, what, his *pink* keyblade?! How many is he keeping in those pants of his?!

Go ahead,kill me (please?),but...

But what?

(Xemnas snaps his fingers)
...
"...Sorry, I was, uh, supposed to disappear in a cloud of smoke right then...Heh, these things never turn out the way you want them to, amirightpeople?"

(One of the men that teleported away teleports back holding one of his spears to a kids throat) Sure, in a world where people can use guns that shoot fireballs and exploding acid bullets, nothing's more practical than a spear!

Sir,whats going on? I asked ~~the kid.~~

here are your options Atmos,

1)you kill me,they kill you,the kid dies. The reader walks away happy.

2)you lower your keyblade, and we all live. Y'know, except for you and your friends.

3)you take on my men, and Xigbar shoots you in the head,the kid dies.

4)you run,I track you down and I bring you back here and make you watch the kid die.

5) I come up with a never-ending list of possibilities and we're stuck in this fic forever.

But Xemnas overlooked a small detail! The kid is Dakota Fanning, and there are very few people left who *wouldn't* want to see her die a horrible death!

(Atmos lowers his keyblade)

Oh. Atmos must be one of those grandmas who thinks Dakota's adorable...FOILED AGAIN!

~~I choose, number five.~~ "I CHOOSE NUMBA *THREE*."

(Xemnas looks at him with a confused look)

(Atmos gets out a whistle and blows it by dropping it on the ground.)

(Mickey Mouse jumps through the window wearing an organization cloak)

I think you can all pretty much guess what happens next. A lot of poorly-thought-out "action" scenes and someone we don't care about in the slightest dies. Huzzah.

It seems like this should explain something...Somehow...

General Thoughts: Discworld II

2008-01-15T04:04:34Z

After a thorough Google searching, I was able to find a way to get this game working on my XP. I mean, it worked on my Mac, sure, but no SOUND? Forget that! So, yay, I figured it out! And they said it couldn't be done! Ha!

Chances are what you'll notice first...well, okay, second, you'll notice it second. The first thing you'll notice is that this game is impossible to get ahold of and even if you are lucky enough to somehow get a copy, you'll likely be spending a lot, and I mean a lot of time getting it to work. Good luck, and don't forget there are two discs. Which DOSBox does not like.

Now, the second thing you're likely to notice is that the graphics have improved by...a lot of folds. Rather Curse of Monkey Island-like, this time around (Though to be fair and obvious, this game came first. Barely.) The animation is a bit choppy, yes, but still very impressive. The improved look also cuts down on pixel-hunting, which is a blessing.

The sound...well. It's alright. I really missed Jon Pertwee and Tony Robinson's participation to the voice-acting, especially when it came to Dibbler. Though it may actually be closer to how he's described in the books, this way.
The voices often seemed to fluctuate in volume, going from extremely loud one line to extremely quiet the next. This may have been a problem on my part, but it was still pretty annoying.

The music's not bad, but it's incredibly short. Every piece of background music plays for about 30 seconds before looping all over again. Not too much of a problem if you turn the music down, a little.

I enjoyed the song that played over the opening credits, but after Runaway, the theme song from Never Too Young To Die sounds just fabulous, thank you.

The gameplay is a lot more enjoyable. Gone are the infuriatingly vague and overly-random puzzles! The game's a lot easier than the first, but is still a bit challenging at times. The difficulty was perfect for myself, but then, there were parts of Syberia I thought were challenging.

Which leaves us with humor, I guess.

Now, not to say the game's not funny, but when the jokes fail they *fail*. Fail hard, fail sideways, fail backwards, and fail...pretty darn badly, all in all. The game has a lot of great, memorable moments (including a rather well-known Easter Egg), but for every one of those there's probably two throwaway jokes that fall completely flat. This is mostly due to an over-reliance on A) pop-culture references and B) breaking-the-fourth-wall. These aren't normally bad things, but everything in moderation, right? Any more than that and it's a Family Guy episode.

And I do not read Discworld for Family Guy...In fact, I think most people read the Necronomicon for Family Guy.

For instance, the Life of Brian parody. It comes close to being funny, but when all is said and done, it feels very forced. I hate to make the comparison, but it's a bit like those horrible movie parodies that keep being pumped out. Allusion does not equal funny. No, not even if you throw in a throw in a joke about it being an allusion. And no. Not even if you make another joke about it being an allusion. And NO. NO NO NO. Not if you throw in a rap number! Now go find a job, preferably somewhere in hell!*

*Thankfully, there is no rapping in DW2, as far as I can find.

Then there's the fact that just about every scene there is probably has at least two jokes about how small the animation budget was/how overly-difficult a puzzle is/how thin the plot is/etc. Sure, the first had these, but nowhere near as frequently as found here! This game breaks the fourth wall more times than a Scrubs episode.

When the jokes aren't focusing on A or B, they usually work. It's still a very pleasant game to get through, and I ended up laughing a lot.

Oops. I forgot about plot.

That should probably tell you something.

No, no, the plot's not bad. At the very least, it's coherent. Which is all I ask for after playing Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness. Or heck, any of the Tomb Raider games, for that matter.

I'd say this was just as fun as the original, albeit for different reasons. I don't at all regret playing it, and will definitely do it again, sometime.

Now, if I can find a copy of Discworld Noir, I'll be set.

Runaway: A Road Adventure, Pt. 3

2008-01-13T23:32:35Z

Well, took me long enough, but hey. It's a long chapter. A long...long...*long* chapter.

Yes, it's that time again!

The Drag Queens

All I can bring myself to say is...just because a Priscilla, Queen of the Desert parody worked in The Last Continent does not mean throwing transvestites into your story automatically makes it any funnier.

Just look at Tyler Perry/Martin Lawrence/Eddie Murphy.

Rocko~~'s Modern Life~~ Wallace

This guy mostly exists to drink like crazy and talk like Sylvester Stallone.

And be hit on by the drag queens.

Which explains the drinking.

Seriously, he guards the helicopter. Hiring a man who's been held back from the 3rd grade for 20 years...doesn't seem like the best choice. I mean, if you're working for the guys who are apparently the equivalent of Rupert Thorne in this game you'd be able to hire some capable henchman...

***

I'm gonna do something a little different. While I normally play through the chapter first, and then write the recap, this time I'll recap the game 24-style. Game running in background, me typing what the heck's goin' on. Yay. Hopefully, this will cut down on "can't remember what happens next man doesn't this game suck?" paragraphs.

***

Brian wakes up in a room, in a cabin, out in the middle of the desert. He has apparently been madly raped. Sure, it's never said, but his shirt's lying halfway across the room and his glasses have been smashed. Not to mention, he wakes up a little...wobbly...

Oh man...I dreamed I was this wimpy guy who couldn't even make it with a girl when I'd saved her from the mafi---AAAAAAGHHH!!!

After a bit of "Oh, golly, gee whiz, gosh darn it! These guys'll wish they'd never brutally murdered my friend! Oooh...I'll mess up their tax returns so BAD!" ranting from Brian, he looks through a crack in the door to find Gina being interrogated by the two thugs.

After all, we need to keep a T rating, here...

I noticed something odd, here. I played through this part twice, and the dialogue between Gina and the goons changes every time. This seems incredibly pointless, seeing as how you couldn't spy any more even if you wanted to, but hey, whatever. The only important thing here is that Gina mentions meeting up with someone named "Johnny".

So she's being held captive by badgers?

So after a bit of pixel-h--OH MY FRICK

What...what...what is it with this game and posters?! There are full-out pin-ups in this room! What next? "LEAD: It's what's for dinner!"

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a clear shot of teh pr0n, but you can kinda see it in the background...

"...Shoot, lost my train of thought."

Does this look...*wrong* to anyone else?...

Ah, yes, your renowned "heavy freezer" senses were tingling, I'm sure.

Brian escapes from the cabin using a trap door. In no time flat he runs into the Willy's of chapter 3. They have absolutely no reason to exist, and yet....here they are. I wouldn't have minded, had they been...I don't know....funny? Or, at the very least, interesting? But I guess you can't have it all.

I've been stuck in this godforsaken game for about 3 hours. I win.

Here, Pendulo Studios realizes that transvestites are frigging hilarity, by themselves! Ha! They're women, but they aren't! Isn't that FUNNY?!

...LAUGH.

Well, the drag queens explain that they've been stranded by their driver (But really, who could blame him?), and they need to be in Las Vegas *quick*, or else their career possibilities are pretty much limited to working rides at the carnival and running ghetto beauty parlors.

Brian comes up with a plan, which all basically comes down to "we need to get Gina and get out of the desert". Yes. I can see why he's been chosen for Berkley.

The drag queens agree to help, and apparently "help" means "we'll let you steal anything you want from our tour bus", because that's about the only thing Brian will be getting from 'em (thankfully).

As soon as the cutscene ends, we see two of the three "girls" outside the tour bus. Mariola, the skinny, white one, is getting a tan. Take notes, this is important, later. Lula, the skinny, black one, is dancing to...Oh NO...

...*sigh* A remix of the game's theme song. "Remix" meaning "an endless loop of techno noises haphazardly combined with one English line from the theme song". It gets annoying. Fast. But then, so does everything else in this game.

Now, I only go inside the bus to give you just a little taste of what this chapter has in store.

All right. I don't know what the deal is with that Village People Cop drink holder, and something tells me I don't want to. But, admittedly, if the flamingo is a reference to Pink Flamingos, it's a pretty good reference. So great. I'm what, 3 hours into the game and have one halfway decent movie reference to show for it? Yay...I can't wait to see what else this's got in store!

Wait, I take that back, I TAKE THAT BACK!

UUUUrrrUUUuugggghhhh....

Well, I'm not gay.

But I'm definitely not straight.

Brian finds out that "Lula" used to be a star basketball player, but messed up big time on his last game...and...decided...to become a drag queen. Yes, first choice for all washed-up NBA players, I'm sure.

He looks a little skinny to be Michael Jordan...

"GOOD? He's the BEST."

Considering you became a drag queen, I'm willing to bet that's not all they were blinded by.

I'd really rather not contemplate...

Oh, you *would* want to do that, wouldn't you, Brian?

Our mighty hero nobly blackmails the innocent transvestite, and Lula distracts Rocko long enough for our mighty hero to drug the mentally-inferior manchild with a pill he found under a grate in the drag queen's tour bus. Hooray.

After that's done...

Our mighty hero uses his great brain skills to determine that peanut butter is made entirely, from peanuts...and butter.

Okay, yeah, sure, maybe I'd buy this if you had to, like, grind up the peanuts or some such nonsense. But no.

You have to MELT THEM.

MELT.

THE.

PEANUTS.

BUT THAT...IT DOESN'T....THEY DON'T...

Were this real life, Brian'd be lying out in a ditch somewhere.
And I thought games were supposed to make you wish you *weren't* in real life.

If that weren't enough, Brian now throws the "peanut butter" onto a shack.

So ants can eat through it.

And you can get what's inside.

"...hasn't stopped me before!"

We don't even get to see the ants eat it. Brian moves off of the screen just long enough for them to finish (about 4 seconds). So we just hear crunching noises while Brian says things like "Wow!" "I can't believe this!" and "Stop licking my shirt."

The shack was apparently full of explosives, and hey, anything to make this game exciting. WHOO-WEE WE'SA GONNA BLOW US UP AN OIL RIG! Er, oil well!

When I tell Brian to push the rock...Oh my goodness...!

Could it be?!

Yes! Finally, you've made an almost somewhat kinda witty remark! Brian, you've got three more chapters, you may become likable yet!

Oh, so you're just gonna...keep going with that, huh?

Yeah, heh...er...

Uh huh...

Well, the important thing here is that Brian's dipped a pair of sunglasses into a puddle of oil, which leads us to the chapter's *second* completely idiotic...logic-y...thing.

Brian gives Mariola the tainted glasses, to make her believe she's gotten a tan. And that the sky's gone completely dark in three-quarters of a second, apparently. And that, for some reason, her glasses are now oddly oily.

I mean, I can suspend disbelief as well as the next guy, but this is pushing it.

I hate to admit it, but yes, you might just be the best looking person I've seen in the game, so far.

The plan all comes (falls?) together somehow. Brian decides that Lula will distract the mafiosi with a machine gun (Instead of, I dunno, SHOOTING THEM?!), Mariola will blow up the oil rig to distract them some more, and Carla will fly 'em all out with the helicopter.

I...I can't stop staring...

Quite possibly the most terrifying image I've ever seen.

Timmy Corleone was in there!

They all escape safely, and the mandatory "I broke a nail" line is said by Mariola. All is well. Brian and Gina are dropped off in a desert in the middle of Nowhere, Arizona.

Tell me this game isn't sounding more and more like a porno.

Well, he can't be talking about the animation, plot, voice-acting, characterization, lip-synching, music, general sound effects, originality, or theme song, so yeah, I guess the tour bus did look pretty comfy.

Unfortunately, we don't get to see either Gina or Brian walking around in Mimi-like clothes for the remainder of the game. *sigh* We just *had* to come across drag queens that happened to have regular clothes...

General Thoughts: Discworld, The Game

2008-01-12T00:43:58Z

A trend I noticed in reading reviews for the first Discworld game was that they all emphasized how insanely difficult the game is. Despite the lack of timed/arcade/slider puzzles, many never even made it to the end.

Didn't stop me. I figured if I could play through a game that required you to melt peanuts and throw them onto a shack so ants could eat it, I could face anything.
And besides, Discworld is awesome. So Discworld + Adventure game format = Happy, happy fangirl, right?

This game had me turning to a walkthrough faster than you can say "Grim Fandango".

You see, there's difficult, and then there's just random for the sake of being random, which Discworld is about 95% of the time. The extra 5% of the game being hideous pixel-hunting.

Not to say it's a bad game. On the contrary, the game looks good, plays good, and above all, sounds good. I'm really not much of an Eric Idle fan, I'll be honest. He's in more "something's gotta pay the bills" movies than Jon Voight, but his voice is perfect as Rincewind.

A lot of people say graphics don't matter, but they don't hurt, either. Discworld is easy enough on the eyes, especially for the time. And little touches in the animation department make the game that much more enjoyable (and humorous).

There certainly weren't nearly as many bugs as I thought there'd be. I was able to play through the game without any problems, and this was without DOSBox!
A rather amusing oversight, however, was when upon inspecting a certain item, a voice which is very clearly not Eric idle makes a comment. It actually sounds a bit like a woman.

Far be it for me to excuse poor gameplay because of nice graphics and sound (If that were the case, I wouldn't be planning to recap Dreamfall). So let me make this clear:

This is the funniest game I've ever played. Ever.

This includes Sam and Max, all of the Monkey Island games, and Daikatana.

If you've read any of the books, you probably know what to expect. The jokes range from plays-on-words to parodies of Indiana Jones and Rambo. With the odd innuendo here and there.

And the plot's not bad. Granted, it won't keep you on the edge of your seat. And there are times when things seem to happen for no apparent reason. But it all fits the mood of the game.

All in all, I liked this game a lot. Constantly checking walkthroughs was actually a bit nostalgic for me, bringing me back to the days when I first began playing adventure games.
If you ever have the chance, I'd say give it a shot. Sure, it's difficult, but chances are the puzzles aren't what you'll remember by the time the game's over. The dialogue is funny, clever, and true to the spirit of the books. And it helps that the game is so well-acted.

Despite the puzzle involving custard, a toilet, and an octopus, this was one of the more enjoyable experiences I've had playing a game.
In fact, I'd say the most disappointing aspect is that the sequel is infamously incompatible with XP. But I'm trying, oh, how I'm trying to get it to run...

A Very, Very Silent Hill Fic

2008-01-02T17:42:01Z

Here's a quick Silent Hill fic. It's not much, but I hope it makes up for the utter suck that was my last attempt.

Silent Hill may be hell, but I don’t think it is. Some people think I’m crazy, but they don’t know what its like. I'm not crazy! They're the ones that are crazy!! I'll show you!! I'll show them all! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I enjoy the challenges Silent Hill throws at me, is it because I am crazy? Well...Yes. ~~I don’t know, but I do remember my adventures there…~~

It was silent in that town, (hence the name, you doorknob...) and the fog was clear. FOG DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!! The monsters weren’t awake yet, (If the monsters ever slept, couldn't the characters in the game take advantage of that, somehow?...Oh, forget it, I'm just nuts.) I wanted to explore without a battle. The clouds are on the ground...I should probably lay off the acid. ~~in the sky, it’s beautiful.~~ I watch ash fall down on me, it kind of hurts, but you get used to Pokemon trainers falling out of the sky around here. It's usually just Team Rocket members...it feels good. I’m walking now; on my way to the cemetery. I’m going to visit my dead sister; But I don't know why. She's terrible company. I’m in Silent Hill to find out how she died. Because there are just *soooo* many people to question. Her name is Beverly, she was happy no matter what happened. She did have a dark mind though. What, like...black matter? I never understood her, or why she crammed bananas into her ears, unfortunately. I’m at the cemetery, and all the graves are dug up. OH CRAP SO THIS IS WHERE GREGORY'S HIDING!! The cemetery is always like that. I’ve only seen the cemetery once when it had a full set of graves.

There’s someone at my sister’s grave that looks like a woman, but she was another man. She has white hair ~~down to~~ growing from her shoulders; her height is 5’.7” feet. She’s wearing a black dress that goes down to her ankles. She has a peach skin tone, duh. she’s crossing her arms across her chest’ she notices me and turns around. Her face is pale, she smiles at me. "You'll make a tasty meal, you will!" She cackled. "I mean...Hi." I walk towards her, not caring about the fog in my way. Which was rather stupid, as I couldn't see where I was going and ended up falling into one of the open graves. It was a little embarrassing, but hey. I'm just too cool to dwell on these things. She started to walk towards me. I stop in front of her. I create new sentences for no reason. Stringing them together somehow might prove useful. But I'm just so awesome. That it still looks cool.

And you know, as a general rule, talking to complete strangers in Silent Hill is a bad idea. Just throwing that out there.

“Is this your sister’s grave?” the woman asks. "Or are you just happy to see me?" I look at her with suspicion. She arches her eyebrow and smiles, showing a full set of horse-like teeth. They were amazingly white. And sharp. But she couldn't possibly be a bad guy! “My name… is Kalen (SHE MUST BE JAPANESE LOL). What’s yours?”

She’s studying me and checking me out ~~over~~; still smiling from her success of creating the miracle waffle-iron, that takes your old, used up waffles and bakes them into new ones! Mmmm-mm! ~~finding me.~~ It’s making me really uneasy. He makes it sound like he's writing his journal as it happens...

“My name is Alex Castdin,” I reply. Here’s a quick description of what I look like, EERRRRRRGGGH I have short brown hair and brown eyes. I’m 5’11” and usually wear camouflage clothes, So, in other words, you look totally normal and just wasted time by telling us that. Thanks. I also carry a pocket knife around with me for defense… no, I’m not crazy… well, not that I think of. You're not crazy that you think of. Got it. I’m 29 years old. Sir, if you are not very much 13 years of age, I have lost all respect for human life.

Kalen isn’t of my interest if she’s thinking what I’m thinking she’s thinking of, but she might not be thinking that! She might be thinking that thing I thought of that one time I thought I was thinking one thought but I was thinking another thing so I thought I was thinking this one time but it was a thought that stuck with me so I thought it more! I think. I already have a wife, but she’s dead. Into necrophilia, are we? Beverly was nineteen years younger than me that means she’s eleven…I actually have no doubt most of the people who read this would have trouble solving 29 - 19 = 11...wait, what?! ELEVEN?! Holy...no, it can't be! Maybe she was born on the right month, or someth...what have I gotten myself into?! if I remember. I have a bad memory. Not to mention you flunked first grade math. FOR NINE YEARS. My wife did not like to wear black clothes or anything like that, she usually wore beige clothes. No wonder you killed her. She must have looked like a sofa. Or a car.

“~~Why are you here at the cemetery~~ What's a guy like you doing in a grave like this?” Kalen asks me.

“I’m trying to find out why my sister died, that’s her grave,” Oh, sure, *now* you put two of your tiny sentences together... I say gesturing to the grave that Kalen was standing next to. She smiles.

Remember, kids, finding out how someone died is just as easy as going to their cemetery!

“Do you want me to do anything for you, maybe help you on your adventure?” (Nudge nudge.) she asks. I start to think about it, it would be better if someone was by my side.

“Yes, please,” I answer. Awfully polite for a crazy guy. Awfully dumb for a guy who loves romping around Silent Hill so much.

Time we got out of the cemetery.

The Devils Chosen, Pt. 2

2008-01-02T08:14:29Z

Happy friggin' new year. Have fun? I'll bet you did. Pfft. With your friends and yer booze and yer...things.

I enjoyed mine the only way I know how. Reading terrible fanfiction and making fun of it.

Anyhow.

This is the best. Gary Stu. Ever.

It takes true ignorance to make a character sound this perverted and not notice it.

There is so much wrong with this chapter, I can't even tell you how many times my jaw dropped reading this. It hardly even needs commentary, it's pretty hilarious by itself. But a few double entendres never hurt anyone...so here's chapter 2.

And notice how he keeps spelling "Rogue" as "Rouge". That's almost as annoying as people who spell "nipple" as "nibble".

...

...What?

2 days had passed since Diablo came to stay at the Xavier mansion. They had given him a room in the mansion. They'd almost have to, what with him camping out on their front lawn for two days... Most of the time however, he was on the roof of the mansion ~~practicing his magic.~~ during storms, dressed in full armor, shouting "All gods are b@stards!" He had developed a good friendship with most of the mutants especially the younger ones (OH NO) which he entertained with a magic trick (OH HELL NO) before they went to bed at 9 o’clock.

“Come on you little ones time for bed” called Storm as she came into the lounge room to see the younger children crowded around Diablo who was standing in the middle with a deck of cards in his hands. ("Hey kids...let me show you my deck...")

“Come on Storm just one more trick” pleaded one of the children Oh my gosh. They're pleading. This, again, is where I draw the line. I'm replacing your name, sir. You are no longer Diablo. You are now...

“Yeah please” pleaded the other children, some resorting to the puppy dog eyes to guilt trip storm into letting Michael show them one more "trick".

“Oh. Ok” replied Storm finally giving in to the puppy dog looks she was getting.

The children cheered as they all turned to away from Michael in anticipation.

“Ok, Ok” said Michael as he shuffled the cards in very ~~intricate~~ suggestive ways. “He stopped shuffling the cards and gestured to one of the girls sitting in front of him, Anna. He spread the cards out face down (as he hoped to do later with Anna) in his hand and asked her to pick one and show it to everyone in the room (ace of spades) except him. The only other person in the room is named "Ace of Spades"? Well...it's better than "Diablo"...

“Ok, now hold on to that card” instructed Michael as his hand on the top of the other cards and muttered something ("Stupid [censored] kids and their stupid [censored] puppy-dog eyes...I'll always be stuck doing this [censored] gig...") he then took off one of the cards from the top of the pile and showed them saying “is this your card”

“No” replied the children with Anna still holding the card

Michael raised one eyebrow and said “Ok. Then how about this card” he drew another card and held it up.

“No” said all the children gathered around him "...Man, you actually kinda suck."

“OK, look, sorry, this worked a lot better when I was practicing in my mom's basement...” he said “what about this one” then suddenly he turned quickly to the wall and ~~began bashing his head against it.~~ threw the deck of card at the wall. They all hit the wall and fell to the ground. All accept one. The ace of spades. Well, how sweet to accept him! He was feeling pretty left out...

Everyone even Storm looked at the card plastered on the wall to that one in Anna’s hand, (Why is Anna's hand plastered to the wall?) which was still there. They stood their stunned and some of the kids clapped. "YAY! IT'S OVER!"

“~~That was nice and all, but you're gonna have to pay to repair the wall.~~ How did you do that” said Storm still in awe.

Michael smiled and replied “magic”, in his Mr. Bean voice. He then snapped his ~~fingers~~ neck and all the cards that were on the ground, wall and in Anna’s hand came flying into his outstretched hand. They settled themselves into a neat pile in the palm of his hand and he put them into his pocket and said “ok children time to go to bed...eh heh. Ehhehhehheh. MWAHAHAHAHA!”.

The children just groaned but complied with what Michael said and made there way up the stairs to there bedrooms saying goodnight to the adults on there way.

Michael was about to walk into the kitchen when storm stopped him by putting a hand on his shoulder and he turned around as she said “That was some very interesting stuff you did there. Where’d you learn that?”

He just smiled and said “~~Internet!~~ well when one knows the level of magic that I do simple tricks like that is child’s play” This is funnier if you imagine him saying it in the Comic Book Guy's voice.

“But how did you do it” asked Storm very intrigued by the trick

“Uh, uh, uh” said Michael raising one to finger (OH NO!!) and moving it side to side as he shook his head (phew) “a good magician never reveals his

(!!!)

secrets (phew, again)” and with that he turned into the kitchen to get himself a snack. Well, there are probably easier ways to do that than turning yourself into a kitchen...

Michael was sitting there eating a sandwich when X-23, Rouge and Jubilee walked in and pulled up some chairs and sat down next to him.

“So you’re the one everyone in the mansions been talking about these past couple of days” asked(?) Rouge as she eyed Michael. ‘Wow no wonder X-23 has fallen for this guy he really is hot Oops, did I say that out loud? I can't tell.'

“Yes that would be me my fair lady” said Michael as he stood up and bowed politely. “And you must be Rouge and your friend in the trench coat must be Jubilee”.

...MEN DO NOT TALK LIKE THIS

Rouge just stared at him surprised and said “ho-how did you know who we was” Look, just because he's a Gary Stu doesn't mean you need to call him a ho!

And "who we was"? Groan.

“Oh, X-23 has filled me in on everyone that lives here. Including her two best friends” replied Michael casually. Who's Michael Casually?

“Now ladies if you excuse me I must get to the roof and practice my magic...if you know what I mean.” said Michael as he got up and leave.

The three girls talked for about an hour before they decided it would be good to go to bed. They could still here Michael on the roof as he practiced his magic...yeah...he was "practicing" pretty loudly. They saw the occasional flicker of light from his spells as they looked out of the windows.

It was about midnight when Michael came down from his place on the roof of the mansion. He was walking through the dark corridors to his room when he heard it. It sounded like a slight scream and it was coming from X-23’s room. Without thinking Michael rushed to see what was wrong. She's probably just "practicing her magic", too.

He literally exploded YAY!

the door with magic to get inside and what he saw startled him. Oh...Boo.

Lying in bed tossing and turning, screaming and clawing at the sheets was X-23. See? She *is* just "practicing".

Michael ran over to her and started shaking her screaming “X-23 wake up”

X-23’s eyes shoot open and a look of pure hatred fills her eyes “You. You took away fifteen minutes of my life” she screamed at Michael and swings a claw at him, which he dodges by flipping backwards and landing grace fully on his feet in a crouching position. GEE ITS A GOOD THING HE KNOWS MAGIC. MAGIC CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.

“What the hell are you talking about X-23, it’s me Michael” Michael said confused as he dodged the next swipe that X-23 took at him. Swiper! No swiping!

“Don’t lie to me Zander you little rat your not Michael you’re the bastard that created me and turned me into this, this weapon” screamed X-23 as she clawed at Michael once again this one caught Michael slightly at the shoulder causing a slight trickle of blood to run from the wound ...'Tis a flesh wound.

X-23 then grabbed him and threw him through the wall into the hallway. So now he's indestructible?... As Michael got up off the floor X-23 lunged at him but this time Michael countered by grabbing X-23’s hands falling and rolling on his back and threw her down the hall. And now he's got super-agility! He flipped up onto his feet and got into fighting position ready for anything. And now he's a friggin' kung-fu master! This guy doesn't even *need* magic, for crying out loud!

‘Can’t let her hurt anyone, got to get to her before something bad happens...like her outing me!’ thought Michael as he ran after X-23

He reached the entrance hall. Gracefully flipped over the banister and landed on the first floor his @ss and looked around to see were X-23 had gotten to.

A feral snarl from behind him notified him of her presence, (FERAL BOY!)Michael barely had time to turn around (a lot like his time in prison), let alone move as she came at him and tackled him through a nearby coffee table sending sharp wooden spikes everywhere

...

...LOL WHUT?!

Michael then back flipped onto the railing and slid up to the second level where X-23 was waiting for him. Slide...Up...

I *give* up.

After some more fighting and pretty much waking up the whole mansion everyone came running to see what was going on. “Stay back” warned Michael and he was distracted for a moment ("Oh, that's a nice garbage can! Oh, sorry, now I'm dead.") leaving X-23 with an opening which she great fully took. His psychic powers are surprisingly lame. Punching Michael so hard, he smashed through the barrier and fell down to the first floor.

X-23 finally snapped out of her hallucination and realized what she had done Sure, her hallucinations apparently stop only once she's killed someone... she raced over to the edge and peered over and a look of pure horror was on her face at the site that befell her eyes. "Oh no...I'VE BEEN INSERTED INTO A CRAPPY FANFIC!"

Everyone was crowded around the still and lifeless body of Michael lying in the main entrance room with a wooden spike through his body. Oh great. So now it turns out he's a *vampire*...Storm was franticly trying to feel for a pulse (or a wallet) but she felt nothing.

She looked at the other X-men and shook her head and then looked at X-23 with a look of pure sympathy and said “my god. X-23, you’ve killed him...Oh well! Who's for Chinese?”

This was just too much for X-23 to handle she just broke down and cried. "But I *hate* Chinese!" Jubilee and Rouge ran over to comfort her but it wasn’t working well. "The rice gives me intestinal problems!" "There, there..."

Then there was a sudden laughter from the crowed. Everyone looked around they found that it was Michael that was laughing. He just kept laughing as he got up, with the spike still in his chest. So. He's a...zombie? He looked at the spike. ”Wow, nice going X-23.Impalement, it’s been a long time since this has happened to me.” Not since that incident at the fine literature convention...

Everyone just stared at him even X-23 was staring, jaw open at him. Michael just casually looked at them and a light bulb went off in his head Hopefully, "light bulb" means "central nervous system". “oh yeah the spike. Give me a minute”. He just grabbed the spike in both hands and took a deep breath then ripped it out of his chest. ~~He died. Like a normal person would. The end.~~ Everyone looked as they saw organs and splintered bones inside Michael. But what was more remarkable was the fact that the bones were mending themselves and the wound was sealing. After a few seconds there was nothing! Not even a scar to show that some thing had happened.

THAT'S IT. NOW HE'S CROSSED THE LINE.

He can overuse purple prose. He can underuse punctuation. He can make his character a friggin' cross between Ghandi and Rambo, but when he begins stealing powers from Wolverine...oh hoho...HE HATH INCURRED MY WRATH.

...Unfortunately, that's only about as effective as his writing style. But at least his character finally got a good superhero name. "PLAGIARISM MAN"!

*sigh* Thank God, that's the last of this nugget of brilliance. I'll be moving on to bigger, better(?) things soon enough.

I'm sorry that this entry was so half-@ssed. New Year's always gets me a little depressed. I'll try to do better next time.

Any requests?

2007-12-30T06:33:38Z

Sure I'll be doing the next "The Devils Chosen" chapter soon, but besides that, I'm out of ideas. Seriously.

I tried looking up some Tomb Raider fics. But, uh...well. Most of them are quite obviously written by anti-social teenage boys...if you know what I mean.

So if any of you have read/heard of/whatever a really bad fanfic lately, please let me know. :/ Anime fics are pretty boring.

Not to mention...skimming the summaries has proven to be dangerous. I very nearly came close to reading an FMA yaoi lemon. D8 BLEEEGH.

The Devils Chosen

2007-12-28T09:13:18Z

I'll admit, over the years, I've become more of a DC fan. Mostly for the g*dd*mned Batman. Still, Marvel holds a special place in my heart, after all, anything that owns Wolverine can't be all bad. Yes, they've given us ~~seven~~ a few bad movies, but hey, they have WOLVERINE! And yes, Gwen turned out to be a bit of a slut, but...WOLVERINE...and...NIGHTCRAWLER (Also known as "Sir Not-Appearing-in-the-Next-Film")! And yeah, maybe three villains was a *bit* much, but...

...Ah, screw it.

Here's an X-Men fanfic that features Capital letters In all the wrong Places. seriously, this guy Couldn't be bothered to be At all consistent. an his speeling is etrocius. its just to easy to pik on guys leik dis.

Most importantly, this man is the most blatant, shameless Gary Stu I have ever seen in my life. I do not lie when I say this is the one absolute worst pieces of crap trying to masquerade as fanfiction I have ever seen.

Coincidentally, chapter 2 is entitled "My Immortal". Make of that what you will.

Meeting and greeting, my nem eez BORAT!

The grounds at the Xavier institute were very peaceful as the sun set on the world to cast it into shadow. Well, technically, if the sun set *on* the world, we'd all be spontaneously combusting thousands of years in advance. I doubt there'd be anything left to make shadows... All the residence where getting ready to go inside. Aren't homonyms a b!tch? Then figure approached the door "Figure" is the stupidest hero name ever. It's even worse than "Angel". he looked no older than 20 and was a fairly tall and had a medium build but what stood out more than anything was his pure whit hair

whit |(h)wit|
noun [in sing. ]
a very small part or amount

It made me giggle. "Ladies and gentlemen, BALD-MAN! Watch as he blinds his enemies by reflecting light off of his head!"

that reached ¾ of the way down his back he wore black boots and black pants, Please tell me they aren't leather..."Ladies and gentlemen...JACKSONMAN!" black spandex shirt, "HAIR-METALMAN!" he also wore a Black leather duster "SADOMASOCHIST MAID MAN!" with black gloves covering his hands and his mysterious eyes hid behind heavily tinted sunglasses. "KURT RUSSEL MAN!" He was caring a duffle bag on his shoulder. "HOMELESS MAN!

(Actually, all things considered, he actually sounds a lot like Sephiroth. "COSPLAY MAN!")

He gazed at the large oak doors (Is he...in love with them?) at the front of the institute he sight (lol whut?) and muttered something to himself before he knocked an the oak wood.

” I’ll get it” said a female voice from inside, Awful thin doors...and within a few seconds the door opened and a 12year old girl with short brown hair opened the door.

~~“Mom, those flipping cosplayers are back...~~Yes” how may I help you” said the girl who looked a little intimidated by his appearance. You'd think she'd be used to it, what with living in the same place as HUNDREDS OF OTHER MUTANTS...

“Duhhhrrrrr hi” said the man “ I’m here to talk to professor Xavier “tell him its an emergence”.

“Ok mister just let me get someone to help you” said the very timid girl as she turned around and spotted Rachelle Summers; she waved her down and ~~gave her a ticket for running in the hall.~~ told her to talk to the man.

"He says it's an emergence..."
"Wow, an emergence?? Is he having a baby?! We'd better get him to the hospital!"

It had taken a few minutes of talking with Rachelle before she let him in ("Look, I don't want anymore Sephiroth cosplayers in the house!" "But he might not be a cosplayer!" "He is, and I am *not* letting him in!"...), now they were walking through the mansion trying to find the Professor. The man looked around the mansion as he walked most of the teens they passed by looked away scared, (If you're scared of scrawny prettyboys when you live in the same building as Logan, there is something very wrong with you.) some stared at him, others started to talk amongst there friends about him and laughed. The "kick me" sign didn't help. The figure stopped in front of a group of girls who had just laughed at him he just smirked at them and kept walking, this sudden action sent a shiver up there spines. ...That's the lamest superpower ever. "SMIRK MAN! Thrill as he sends shivers up the spines of teenaged girls! No, wait, that's Pedo-man..."

They found the professor and the other X-men out in the back of the mansion. What are they doing? Playing Twister? When Rachelle found them she introduced them all to him by there proper names not there code names. "Fatty", "Stinky", and "Brooklyn"? And then a sudden noise behind him caught his attention. IT'S A LION!!! He turned slowly and was greeted by the smiling face of none other than Rosie O'Donnell ~~X-23~~ who had come running so fast to catch up with the other X-men she was panting. Oddly, they were only about 12 feet away.

“This is X-23“said Rachelle obscenely gesturing towards X-23

luckily for the man he was wearing sunglasses so they couldn’t see ~~the surprised look in his eyes~~ that the man was completely and utterly stoned. ‘ Jesus Christ in heaven she’s beautiful!’ thought the man and then mentally slapped himself ‘ pull it together Diablo (That's even worse than "Figure"...) she’s human! Once she finds out what you are she’ll probably shun you just like everybody else in your life.’ SHUN THE NONHUMAN! SHUUUN! SHUUUUUUUUNNNN! He turned away from X-23 who was thinking the same thing.;

‘god he’s cute! Wonder what he wants with us’. Looks like her name should've been "53-X"...

They were both broken from there thoughts by the voice of professor Xavier “so Mr….Mom”.

“Diablo” replied Diablo as he shook the professors hand

“~~Diablo~~ B!tch, I say your superhero name is Mister Mom, then by the power of my shining head it is MISTER %#&@ING MOM. what kind of a name is Diablo anyway” said rouge outloud and quickly clasped her hands over her mouth and blushed slightly “Sorry, its just that is a very unusual name, for some one”.

(Yeah, I realize I wrote that line for Xavier, and it ended up being "Rouge"...whoever that is...maybe her superpower is the ability to apply too much makeup (Maybe her secret identity is being a televangelists wife...) But I digress. The thought of Xavier saying that cracks me up, so I'm leaving it in. So there.)

“Yeah, it is kind of weird what with it meaning Demon and all in Spanish” replied Diablo without the slightest hint of anger or spite in his voice. Wait, what? Next he'll be saying "adios" means "hello", won't he?

“So Mister Diablo, what brings you to my estate” said Xavier as he turned to watch the children in the grounds play. A-ha! *There's* Pedo-man!

“I know I’m probably not welcome here but if it is ok, I would like a place to stay for a while, if it’s not too much trouble of course” replied Diablo as he looked at the professor as his eyes pleaded for his help under the heavily tinted sunglasses. "A hotel just wouldn't work...'cause I'm too cool for hotels."

“Of course you can stay” replied Xavier “I sense there is some thing different about you. You prefer the company of men, don't you?” the other X men just looked at Diablo.

Doctor Who just smiled and said “Thank you very much. Oh and don’t worry your mutant secret is safe with me”

“I don’t know what you are talking about” replied Xavier "We aren't bringing kids here, telling them they're mutants, and forcing them to make Simpsons merchandise! No siree, none at all! I haven't any idea what you mean!"

“please Xavier don’t lie to me” replied Diablo smirking (Is that his last name?) “do you think I was chance I came here, I know all about you and the X men, but don’t worry I know what its like to be discriminated for being different” HMOSXL LAWL he then held out his hand palm facing up and said “Malakie sumbul camana aloha oy~" and suddenly there was a ball of fire floating just above Diablo’s hand, he moved his hand around twisting it and turning it. The whole time the fire ball stayed in his palm, which was slowly disintegrating.

The X men just stared at Diablo’s hand and the fireball in it. They all were impressed. Diablo just smirked. He does that a lot, doesn't he?

“So are you a mutant “asked X-23 speaking for the first time in a while

“No I’m not a mutant”. Replied Diablo as he closed his hand and extinguished the fire ball “I’m ~~a sorcerer~~ HAWAIIAN MAN.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

A/N: oh wow a sorcerer, for those who don’t know a sorcerer Is another word for wizard. Thank you, dear author, for realizing that every single person reading this is a total moron. Here’s a sneak peak at the next chapter “My Immortal”:

Everyone crowded around the still and lifeless body of Diablo lying in the main entrance room with a wooden spike through his body. And there was great rejoicing. Storm tried to feel for a pulse or a wallet, but she felt nothing. She looked up at X 23 who was standing on the second floor with a look of horror on her face and tears in her eyes.

“my god. X 23. You’ve killed him” said storm with a look of utter horror on her face. In hindsight, swinging that axe at him may not have been a good idea...

If you've made it this far, I congratulate you. I will most definitely be doing more of this story. It's not every day you stumble upon a gem like this.

Unnatural

2007-12-28T06:24:07Z

Out of curiosity, I looked up "OCx" under the Sweeney Todd category. I realize some of these may be for the original musical, but the chances of that being the case are roughly that of someone writing a steamy fanfic about me and Natalie Portman. How many people who write fanfics attend the theater?

Goodness. Sweeney Todd, really? A serial killer who shows no problem with bumping off little kids or those who agree to help him in his evil schemes? Yeah. Set your sights high, fangirls.

I was tempted to spork a Todd fanfic, but seeing as how that was my favorite movie of the year, I can imagine that'd be more painful than usual. Plus, ten bucks says half of them consist of a beautiful, spunky young lady going to get her hair cut, is nearly killed by Sweeney, but he has a sudden change of heart and falls madly in love with her. And if not, that'd make a great parody. (Or maybe I just think so because I've been looking at this crap for three hours.)

So here's a fanfic for an anime I'm completely indifferent about. Wait, that doesn't narrow it down, at all...

In this FMA fic, Ed and Al are brought into the real world by a 15-year-old girl who found out how to become an alchemist on Wikipedia.

You cannot make this $#!% up.

A girl about the age of 15 was sitting on the couch on her laptop, crushing it. she had short red hair and blue eyes, and she was about 5” 2 in height and wore a red "Good Charlotte" shirt and Levi jeans and Maybelline make up and black Converse shoes. and looked like she had been on the computer for hours. She was on the computer searching “alchemy”

“My god, Isaac Newton was related to alchemy? Omigosh, Kelly! And it turns out two plus two does *not* equal twenty-two! I hope you haven't turned that paper in yet..."

Alex’s eyes scanned back and fourth like a typewriter going a mile ... a ... minute

“Oh my gash is reopening! Oh no! Blood is leaking all over the place!! I, I feel faint..., this is so cool, just like the Elric bothers!” Alex smiled inwardly Sorry, that just brings to mind an image of the girl sucking in her face like a cartoon character who just ate a lemon.

“Cool, and the philosopher stone was a real thing? Or so alchemist from that time thought” Of course, they also believes bathing was evil...

Alex clicked on a strange word that did not even look English. It said..."originality".

“Oh, that’s a weird word, looks interesting” Trust me, it's too late for you.

She kept looking until something caught her eye, but eventually tossed it back to her.

“WOAH! Hohenheim is a real person!” she clicked on the name that sent her to another site, it read like this

This article is nominated for deletion, due to lack of information.

Many people believe that Hohenheim had two sons, by the names of Edward and Alphonse. [citation needed] The mothers name is thought to be Trisha, but researchers have not gone into details about her.

“Now that’s strange…Ed’s and Al’s names are highlighted…Clicking on them takes me to the Funimation website!”

Edward and Alphonse Elric are known to of adopted their father’s research. [citation needed] Along the way, Edward became a state alchemist. [citation needed] Although the theory of them being alive is quite farfetched, since they came from the famous anime “Full Metal Alchemist” [1] but they are believed to be real people. [citation needed] Recent studies have shown the existence of alchemy of a different kind of nature. [citation desperately needed] This alchemy is believed to be related with science but is also believed to be of the different science. [2. No wait, my bad, another citation's needed] Magic is what many people thought it was but it was but a simple transmutation…

“Whoa man this stuff is totally freaky shit; I shouldn't have bought the cheap stuff...I wish I could do alchemy…”

Alex looked down at her hands and clutched them until her knuckles were white…"S..Sp...SPIDERS! GET EM OFF ME GET EM OFF ME!"

At that, instant Alex started searching transmutation circles and the likes; she received decent symbols from Wikipedia and other resourceful places Anything I could say here would only detract from the hilarity.

“Ok, got to make sure I didn’t miss a thing” she drew on her whiteout board a simple transmutation circle…"Simple", in that it was just a plain circle. Who can be bothered to draw all those little symbols?

“This didn’t look familiar in the series…” still with her doubts of it actually working, she continues to draw the circle.

“Ok let’s try making, uh, something…LIKE A ~~FLOWER~~ VIRGIN!”

...My idea is better.

Alex looked around at what she could try to transmutate.

“Maybe a…fake leaf!” ya…that would work…right Wow, her writing style just draws me in!

“By god…look at what I have become…an alchemy freak, I need a life…” Yeah. In all honesty, Wicca is probably more socially acceptable. Alex looked at herself from the reflection on the window…she furred her eyebrows at her reflection. "I should probably bathe sometime this week..." She recently had a bad cut from broken glass, she forgot not to put water in a glass cup and put it in the refrigerator. She of course not thinking saw her fatal mistake at forgetting that water expands and she tried to take the frickin’ glass out of the freezer. BIG FRICKEN MISTAKE! In the end, she ended up cutting herself, REAL BAD!

...If anyone can explain what on GODS GREEN EARTH just happened, I will love you forever and ever.

When Alex clutched her hands, she unknowingly reopened her cut; she then placed her hand down on the transmutation circle. OMG I WONDER WUTS GONA HAPPN NAO??

“If only they could come here…then everything would become more exciting then it is now…” But then, grandma visiting and telling you all about her hip operation would make it more exciting than it is now...

The circle started to glow with an eerie blue light, much like Ed in FMA the movie when he put blood on the transmutation circle. Ed was glowing blue, or the circle? I only ask because "Ed being blue" could be taken the wrong way...

“Ok this is kind of starting to get a little to realistic, MAYBE I’M DREAMING!” she said, hoping with all her might. Woman, make up your mind! "Oh, it'd be oh so much more exciting if this worked...OH HOLY CRAP ITS WORKING STOP IT"

“Oh, here I am, a 15 year old girl, at 2 in the morning and staring at a glowing transmutation circle from something that does not even EXSIST! Or exist, either!"

All of a sudden something, well more like two something’s started coming out of the circle. Please welcome our new characters, Richard Simmons and his buddy, Satan! *applause*

“HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!” (Big white board) So wait, why is the white board screaming?

‘Don’t scream Alex, just don’t scream, obviously your dreaming, thing like this just cant happen!” Is this Engrish? Next she'll be asking for a happy big smile hug and eating Super Fun-time Moose Ramen.

Then after about 5 seconds, the audience lost interest. ~~Alex totally passed out.~~

(Hour later)

“Oh, my head hurts…” Alex said to herself, or so she thought she said to herself

“Brother, I think she’s waking up! Oh, no, wait...she just sleeps with her eyes open...gross..”

“Quite down Al! You know it’s not exactly 12 in the afternoon” Ellipses.

Alex eyes were blurred from lack of sleep and from too much time on the computer, so it made it even harder for her to see the intruders in her house. This seems pretty weird, seeing as how it is now 2 in the morning where I am...

“~~Oh no...the voices are back!~~Who…the hell are you, you bastard’s, if you touched one hair on my family, I swear to god I’ll castrate you. Although, this implies Ed hasn't already been...

“Wow, she seems a little testy, don’t you think Al?”
"Well, maybe a *little* manly, but it's mostly just the facial hair..."

“Get the hell…OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Alex swung her leg at her intruders, (Did they detach it?) only for it to hit cold steel

“OOWWWYYY!” by now Alex’s face looked like she had just ate a lemon with extra sour-ness (yeah I know it’s not a word, so sue me!) Odd how this is the second time lemons have come up...maybe it's just a celestial reminder that no matter how bad this is...I am *not* reading a lemon.

“I think you just made a big mistake…now tell me and my brother where the hell we are…”

“how about you tell me who the hell you guys are and then maybe we can see where the hell we go from there…Hell.” since the light lost power from somebody accidentally hitting the switch the room was filled with darkness, so Alex could not see a thing! This isn't going to turn into a lemon, is it?

“WHell then, fine, I’m Ed and this big guy is my younger brother, Al, now tell us where the hell we are!”

(Unfortunately, for our young hero, it turns out to be Ed Asner and Al from Tool Time.)

‘Ed and Al? Is that possible? Well that would explain the light from the circle…no, it wouldn't. I'm still just dreaming?’

“Hey, crazy girl, we’re waiting for an answer here!”

“…your somewhere in Canada, I’ll give you that much…” Is this a good time for a Canada joke?

“Canada? Brother, where is Canada?” Now? How about now? Please? Pfft, fine...

“Hey, can I ask you guys a quickie of a question? Are you guys Ed and Al Elric? Just wondering!
“Yes? No? Maybe? Why do you ask? Who are you?...WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!”

“…that proves it! I am no longer sane! If something like this can happen, then I doubt my head would be down here on earth! It is obviously up in the clouds! Not here in my living room where I would want it to be!” This sentence made me laugh out loud. It sounds like those emails from China trying to sell you fake Viagra.

Then, without notice, Alex’s dog came into the room; it was a boxer (basing it off my dog) Yes, along with basing everything else in this story off things in your life...

“Daisy, now if you would so kindly lick my face to see if I am not dreaming, it would be greatly appreciated! Yeah...so I...will know this isn't a dream. I'm certainly not desperate for any kind of intimacy whatsoever. Yeah. Dreaming. Right.”

Daisy was not paying attention; she was too busy growling at Ed. Oh no...Daisy's a fangirl, too!

“Oh yeah…I have a dog that is very sexist…” Alex grinned at Ed

“Brother, I think we should show her that we are not here to hurt her or her family!” Al said very quickly "Maybe by leaving peacefully! No, wait, that would never work..."

“Al, please, I can handle this…ahem, ok, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SICK YOU DOG ON US, WE DID NOTHING WRONG YOU LITTLE WHORE!” The dog just *came into the room*. Sigh...

“…did you just call me a whore? Oh…you just made one HELL OF A MISTAKE!” Alex lunged at Ed with new determination! "I'm gonna make you SQUEEAAL LIKE A PIG!"

“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A WHORE YOU LITTLE FROSTED MINI WHEAT!” Ohh, burn.

“WHO YOU CALLIN’ SO SMALL HE’S FROSTED MINI WHEAT!” How would he know what a Frosted Mini Wheat is? I hardly even know what one is...

“ARE YOU DEAF? I JUST CALLEDYOU A FROSTED MINI WHEAT!”

“WHY YOU LITTLE…”

“Brother, please!”

“YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!” Alex and Ed yelled at Al Oh, the COMEDY.

“no, your right Al, it is mini wheat’s opinion of how he thinks of me…even though I will rip his balls of later for thinking I am a whore, Yeah, how *dare* he think that. Sure, you can't wait to put your hands on Ed's package, but you're no whore. but right now, that is not the matter…” after the not so mature display Alex started breathing heavily in and out to get herself calm again

mutton_basher @ 2007-12-27T21:44:00

2007-12-28T03:44:56Z

Sorry for the hold up. I've lost the discs needed to play Runaway, so it may be a while before I get to recap the next (best) chapter.

I will, or should, however, have a fanfic-sporking up today or tomorrow.

Runaway: A Road Adventure

2007-12-19T21:53:45Z

Part two? Already? Why not!

Munchkin Bob (Token Midget) Munchkin. Bob.

MUNCHKIN.

BOB.

If that doesn't tell you what you need to know about this character, move on.

Clive, the anthropologist (Expendable, red-shirted crewman) Clive says, literally, about ten lines in the game. Half of those dedicated to flirting with Gina. Wow. It's like these guys have never seen an attractive woman in their life.

Willy (...You know what? I really don't know.)
Willy is the character Brian will be speaking to for most of the chapter. Most puzzles can only be completed by triggering something with Willy. This wouldn't be so bad, if Willy weren't an unspeakable wretch. And I now know why the word is homonymic with "retch". But Willy does have a big part in one of the highlights of the game, I'll grant him that.

Dr. Susan Olivaw (Congenital Pain in a Bad Area) Dr. Olivaw has one of the most annoying voices I've ever had the displeasure of hearing. And in all honesty, I can't say much more about her. She's unremarkable, really.

The chapter begins with...Munchkin....Bob...spotting our heroes pulling into the museum where Brian's friend works. Holy coincidence, Batman! Bobby happens to know The Sandretti Brothers' goons, who are actually named "Gustav" and "Feodor" (I got one right!). He calls them up, telling them what he saw.

"I got a role! Now, it's not great, it's kind of a..."small" part! Haha! Get it? But I kid...."

Gustav and Feodor see nothing wrong with trusting somebody named "Munchkin Bob" to this sort of thing, so they're on their way. I do not exaggerate when I say these are the least intimidating villains I've ever seen. "Huh? Is that you, Drunken Bill? You say you saw them somewhere in Iceland?! We'll be there!"

Brian and Gina are in Clive's office, now. He explains they could use a fancy-schmancy scanner to determine the crucifix's origin, but it's so grody they'll need to have a professional clean it.

That was how I originally intended to introduce this game...only replacing "the scanner" with "me".

Clive says their art restoration specialist is very busy working on things for their upcoming Mayan exhibit, and won't be able to help for at least three days. So Brian takes it upon himself to go convince Little Miss Restoration that cleaning a puny crucifix is worth risking her job.

After all, who can resist those eyes?

Gina and Clive take off together for a..."stroll". Rather like how Paul and Ringo ran seven miles just because they were "energetic". [citation needed]

As soon as Brian opens that door, and Olivaw is introduced, it is clear that this is going to be a long, long game. Her voice is what I imagine one of the Chipettes sounding like, if they had taken up smoking and chainsaw-gargling instead of singing. Which might have been preferable, but I digress.

Olivaw tells Brian about the exhibit. She's been working non-stop, mostly on a piece called "The Mask of Uxzitza", now being kept in a chamber in the museum's heavily secured storeroom. The mask is known for THE LARGE RUBY IN THE CENTER OF ITS FOREHEAD. HMM. ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?

It soon becomes clear Olivaw will not clean the crucifix until all of the other items are nice and shiny. Brian slips the crucifix onto her shelf while she's not looking, but this chapter is far from over. Olivaw is hard at work on one piece in particular. Some sort of mask.

Every time Brian finishes a conversation with Olivaw, she will leave her desk and attempt to clean the mask with a laser. Doesn't look like it's powerful enough. Coincidentally, it is POWERED BY A RUBY. HUH. AND IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THIS ONE IS BIG ENOUGH.

...Shoot. I've forgotten what comes next...

Oh. Right. Willy.

Willy is...I'm not sure what he is. I don't think he's comic relief, after all, he never says one line that's supposed to be funny, as far as I can figure. He's not terribly important to the plot.

I can excuse Olivaw, because she serves a purpose. Willy is just despicable.

He speaks in that hip, teenage language that was all the rage...twenty friggin' years ago. I really hope something was lost in the translation from Spanish to English, otherwise, Willy is just unacceptable. It's like listening to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...Without the fun.

Anyway...Willy is the janitor. And I can tell you, I fully appreciate the janitor from Scrubs now.

Empty promises...

Though admittedly, at this point in the game I noticed that there were some pretty nice touches in the sound department. You can hear the faint noises from Willy's headphones, which get slightly louder when he takes them off. A very small thing, but a nice touch, I thought.

The music isn't half bad, either, now that there's no terrible "YOU CAN DO IT! JUST BELIEEEEEEVE IN YOURSELF!11" vibe going on. It's subtle, but fits the mood of the place you're in.

Where was I? Oh yeah...Willy.

Willy says a lot, but the only thing that matters is what he tells Brian about his "business". Once he gives Brian his business card, he recieves a call from a "Mr. Potter". We can assume it isn't Harry, but trust me, I wouldn't be surprised if it were considering events later in the game.

Mr. Potter asks for a 100x microscope lens (It scares me that I remember that better than any other part of the conversation), and Willy excuses himself, predictably shuffling off to the storeroom.

Brian comes to the realization that Willy might actually be stealing! Oh, the shock! Someone catch me, I'm gonna faint. Oh, too late. I fainted.

By using a trick that would really, really not work in real life, Brian figures out which keys are used to open the door to the storeroom. But not which order to put them in.

...Now, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this. Aside from the peanut butter puzzle in the next chapter, I thought I could avoid going into detail over puzzles. But this...this...

AGH! My mortal enemy...Cursed pad! You ruined Voyage for me, and now you want to suck the fun out of Runaway?!

Now, this isn't quite as infuriating as the pad in Voyage, but it's still a pain. Brian hums the touch tones he heard when Willy opened the door. Good idea. Poor execution.

Seems to be a recurring theme in the game, doesn't it?

Brian's humming sounds nothing like the real combination. In the end, I just ended up clicking random numbers until the right one came up. Call me an idiot if you want, but hearing this guy's voice say "Hmm...No, that isn't right...it went more like: HM hmm HM HMM" for the twenty-third time is enough to drive anyone nuts.

Once inside, the mask is in clear view. Man. If only more museums went through this much to protect their artifacts...

...I'd be a friggin' millionaire.

Though it turns out the chamber the mask is in is voice-activated. Of course. Thankfully, a key next to the chamber will make the next puzzle easy.

"He'd slit his mama's throat for a nickel..."

The key opens a compartment. The compartment contains a voice recorder. Oh, yes, I can certainly see why an anthropologist would need a voice recorder. And I can definitely see why he would need to hide it! It's all so very obvious!

Bah.

Brian records Olivaw stating her name, and returns to the storeroom to steal that nice ruby.

In a moment that made me cry on my first play through, the battery in the voice recorder died just as the name was about to be uttered.

Warning: The following puzzle is incredibly frustrating and is not recommended for people who never heard cold can make batteries last longer.

It isn't mentioned in the game. Maybe they thought it was common knowledge. Maybe it is. But I've never heard it. Maybe it's about as well-known as the fact that Lewis Carroll's real name was Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, or something. Grr.

Well, once the battery's recharged, the mask is soon removed, and the ruby replaced.

But once Olivaw attempts to clean the mask with the laser...

BAM!

Masky go boom.

Olivaw makes one of the most hilarious faces I've ever seen, but I was too slow to capture it. She announces her sudden craving for an iced mocha. And then starts boo-hooing about her life, refusing to work any more. I'm tempted to make an "emo" joke, for the pure fact she bears an uncanny resemblance to Emo Philips. But I'm above that.

Don't worry. Maybe one day you can have various limbs cut off and make cameos on "The Weird Al Show"! (So I'm not above it. Sue me.)

Brian makes coffee in just about the most unhygienic way there possibly is, besides filtering it through your grandpa's underwear. You ready for this?

The acclaimed Mayan exhibit, featuring "Man Sitting on Toilet" and "Sunbathing Man with Three Rectangular Nipples".

He takes what he *believes* to be coffee beans out of the Mayan exhibit, where anyone could be putting their hands on them, or spitting on them, or...well, you get the picture.

He then proceeds to grind up the beans with the lathe Olivaw was using to clean the artifacts.

And once that's done, he packages it in a coffee bag he found in the trash.

This is almost as bad as that "AIDS" poster!

Once Olivaw gets her coffee, she regains her strength and utters the most baffling sentence I've heard in the game yet.

Not even the...Feds.

The only thing I can think of is maybe she's making drugs in that lab of hers. It'd certainly explain her voice and mannerisms. But no, this game has enough drug content as is. Don't believe me? Just wait for chapter 6. This is the only game I know of where one of your main objectives is to get as HIGH AS YOU FREAKING CAN.

I wish I were making that up.

Cut to the mafiosi pulling up near the museum. They stop to chat with Bobby Milk and spout off dialogue that's supposed to be bad-awesome, but ends up sounding like the bully in fourth grade who just finished reading a "Batman" comic and is convinced he can sound cool. This scene serves no purpose, but then again, few scenes in this game do.

When Muppets go bad.

Back at the museum, the crucifix is all clean now.

To our heroes' dismay, the crucifix jumped up and ran away, singing "Run run run, as fast as you can..."

As Brian enters the storeroom, the mafiosi enter the museum and provide this game with its best moment.

BOOYAH! Al Ca-PWNED!! Ah, alas, poor Willy...Sucker~

Ah, but that was short-lived...Brian takes the crucifix to the scanner, which determines the crucifix to be of Hopi origin, which apparently means they'll need to go to Arizona.

This can't be right...according to this, the plot is made of pure bullcrap!

...Now this is just *asking* for it, isn't it?

Clive bursts through the door, beckoning Brian to come out. "Gina's in danger!" Hooboy. Get used to that phrase.

Of course, IT'S A TRAP! As soon as Brian exits the room he is pistol-whipped and Clive is shot dead. Good riddance, I say.

Back to Brian in his little director's chair. This game really believes in telling and not showing. It's especially disappointing here, as he informs us he was pistol-whipped again. A welcome sight, indeed.

He tells us of his woe for not rescuing Clive. For about two seconds.

But then, I had forgotten Clive was a character, so who can blame him?

Now begins chapter three. Ah...Chapter three. I warn you. The upcoming chapter is a worse assault on the eyes than the Two Virgins cover and Fred Thompson's butt combined.

If you don't believe me, I have three words for you...

FAT.

TRANSVESTITE.

TITS.

Oh yes. They're in this game. Those and so much more. If you don't feel dirty by the end of the next chapter, then you're...well. Probably an anime fan.

Don't worry about any more spamming. It may take a while for the next chapter to go up. I'll have to wait until I'm completely alone to play through it...

Ugh.

Runaway: A Road Adventure

2007-12-17T23:15:18Z

Alright, kids, wanna try something new? Today, I'm gonna recap the first chapter of the worst game I've ever played. Where do I start?

I'd better start off by telling you...FRAPS doesn't work with this kind of game, so I'm having to use "print screen" and alt-tab a *lot*. And if I miss something important...I have to watch the same cutscenes all the way from the beginning.

You had all better enjoy this.

All one of you.

First, let's meet the characters in this chapter!

Brian (Main Character) Brian is a whiny know-it-all. He sounds a bit like a cross between the main character of Sanitarium and Kermit the Frog, and is such a wuss he refuses to touch mud. Yet in the end he ends up hooking up with a "hot" stripper. Oops. Guess I ruined the ending. He suffers from "Saucy Librarian Sydrome". Well, partly. When he takes off his glasses, he's *supposed* to be attractive. Does nothing for me, really.

Gina (Sex Appeal) Yes. This is our sex appeal, ladies and gentlemen. Ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dates a woman whose looks depend on what angle you see her at? I refuse to believe this isn't a reference to that episode.
Gina says very little in the game, usually indisposed by broken limbs, sleeping pills, or just plain empty-headedness. Mostly that last one.

Don't worry, she still has time to sleep with the main character late in the game.

The Bad Guys (Bad Guys) Heck if I can remember any of these guys' names. Uh...I remember there being a "Feodor", so..."Alfin" and "Simone"? Who knows? Who cares? They're all so boring it's a wonder I remembered to include them.

On with the show.

We start out with the main character, Brain...er, Brian, giving us a backstory. Blah, blah, blah, lives in New York, blah, always a prodigy, blah, chosen by the best, blah blah, goin' to a college in Berkley, blah. The whole thing is reminiscent of listening to your grandma talk about her trip home from the hospital. You really want to give half a crap, because she sounds so eager to tell you. But unless something in her story explodes, and fast, you'll be daydreaming about Jessica Alba in a hot tub before you can say "arm gnawing".

Never has a greater lie been told.

Well, once he gives you his life's story, he tells you that before he leaves for California, he needs to pick up a book he ordered. Then we get the opening credits.
The credits are set to a song that actually starts out pretty well. But once the singer begins speaking English, which is obviously not her first language, things begin to go downhill.

Fast.

The song becomes the sort of self-assuring theme that was played over opening credits in movies in the 80's. You know. Those really, really annoying ones. But hey, I can excuse a trite theme song. After all, you can skip the credits, right?

Wrong.

Doesn't matter if you've played the game before. Cutscenes can't be skipped. So I had to sit through this painfully long credits sequence...twice. Because you can't skip the end credits either. Or exit while the end credits are playing. Something here just reeks of narcissism, because you can quit while regular cutscenes play.

Ironically, the only thing that makes the game tolerable...

Speaking of narcissism...

If Santa gives you this game for Christmas, you must have been choking kittens all year, or something. Because even the kids who get coal take joy in the fact that they didn't get Runaway: A Road Adventure.

Back to the game, right. On his merry way to the bookstore, our mighty hero hits a large pair of breasts with his car. Said breasts are being followed by a couple of generic bad guys. All of which are supposed to be Italian. None of which actually are.

Thus earning the nickname "Michael Scott" on campus.

Brian rushes the breasts to the hospital, where it turns out they have a name. "Gina". She claims to work as a "singer"* for a "club"* called "The Pink Iguana". Which is about the stupidest name I've ever heard in my life, but whatever. It could be called "The Dizzy Hippo". This game would still suck.

She says the mafiosi are after her because her "father"* told her that the bad mafia men are after him, and he needs her to hold his "crucifix", in case they knock him off. All of which sounds really, really, dirty. But that's not the beginning of it.

"Well, a game where you get stuck out in the desert with drag queens seemed like such a good idea at the time!..."

I'm gonna stop right here for a moment to say something about the graphics. Because, honestly, by just looking at these screenshots, they would seem really good. And at times they are. But keep in mind, these characters are staying in the exact position you see them in for the entire cutscene. There is no movement, whatsoever. Except for the mouths...which move a lot like the mouths on characters in Rankin/Bass films.

This is one of the few games where I can say the in-game graphics blow the cutscenes completely out of the water. But I can forgive bad graphics, after all, this is an adventure game. So anyway. Moving on.

Cut to a "flashback" where we see Gina conversing with her "father"*, who claims the mafia-men are right behind him.

Gina, I can name at least two things about yourself that frighten me.

Mafia-men take daddy to a room for..."violent"..."interrogation".

(Don't worry. It really is interrogation.)

That expression describes this scene better than I ever could.

There's a scene of two men beating up her "dad"*, and two men watching. Who are obviously the bosses. Because they have raspier voices. They apparently *really* want this crucifix.

You are so NOT Marlon Brando we might just call you "Dom".

You know, I just realized I've been working on this for about an hour, and still haven't even gotten to play the game. Sigh.

Gina claims her "father"* was killed at the hands of the mafiosi. And they saw her see it. So they want to kill her.

The scene ends with the tranquilizers kicking in, and Gina passing out. About time.

What? Don't you trust her?

The game starts out the way most games of this type nor...Wait...What is THAT?

What.

The.

Expletive. Do I even want to think about this one? Do I? Stop. Think, Beverly, is it worth the madness that may ensue?

Okay, okay, I'm fine, I'm fine...but...what's...with the puppets?

Okay, okay, okay, I'm done. Really.

...

Wh-WHAT IS GROWING OUT OF HIS HEAD?! Okay!! Okay! I'm sorry! I'll stop!

Phew. All right. The game starts out the way most games of this type normally do. Collecting every single thing that isn't bolted down. Cracked plastic cup? Take it. Empty pill box? Take that sucker! AIDS poster? Oh. Apparently taking that "doesn't make sense". And taking Gina's used cup does. I dunno, maybe Brian's got a weird cup fetish...

With those lips, it's not surprising. The last three men she kissed had to be hospitalized.

After examining a fire escape route, Brian realizes this hospital is really top notch. It actually has a storeroom! Wow!

Much like the way "good bye" is never used on the phone in movies, stairs are never used in games.

To nobody's surprise, he has to go to the storeroom. In real life, who would bother? Considering the length of that cutscene, Brian could have been in Berkley by now.

Believe it or not, that dummy is my favorite character.

What follows are some of the worst cases of pixel-hunting I've ever encountered in my life. But I won't bother you with the details. This isn't a walkthrough, after all. Suffice it to say looking at the above screenshot should let you know what it's like.

Brian uses things found in the storeroom to create a dummy patient in the bed next to Gina's, and switches her medical chart with a fake one. When he enters the bathroom, the two baddies enter the room and shoot the dummy. I really wish I were talking about Brian.

They leave, and Brian realizes he needs to get Gina out of the hospital before the bad guys find out Gina's alive. At least...that's what I hear. She never really does much, so I'm still in doubt.
Un(?)fortunately, Gina's still out from the sleeping pills the nurse gave her. Looking up the medicine, the only way to wake her up now is by splashing her with cold water.

Best. Out of context line. Ever.

So now he sets off the sprinkler system by creating a flamethrower out of a can of cleaning stuff and a match. (It really works! Try it at home, kids!)

So after they finish fleeing from a burning hospital...we cut to a scene of them chatting in Brian's car. Brian, in his one intelligent moment in the game, says he wants nothing more to do with the mafia. But Gina convinces him to help her.

Okay, okay, so she just whines a lot and Brian folds like a wet napkin. But I don't know many guys who would refuse to do stupid things when there's the promise of breasts at the end. Hey, even I have trouble refusing.

...Moving on. He tells Gina he has a friend in Chicago who can help figure out what the crucifix is for. And since he's on the way, it couldn't possibly hurt.

...Groan.

It's about this time I realized Gina is voiced by Lani Minella, who plays the title character in the Nancy Drew games. Which are actually very, very good. I hate to get off on a tangent like this, but for some reason it amuses me to hear Nancy's voice trying to sound sexy.

We see the two raspy voiced men, who are apparently named "The Sandretti Brothers".

Um. Ew?

And in all honesty. I can't remember a thing they were talking about. I don't know if that says something about me or the game, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember what purpose this scene served. And I just played the game.

Bored yet? Well, don't worry, it's almost over. Brian is in his narrating chair again, and explains that the only reason he helped was for the promise of breasts at the end. Phrasing my own, but you get the idea.

Is that what they're calling it, now?

That ends this chapter. Man. I ended up complaining about this game a lot more than I thought would. And I haven't even brought up the faulty save system and the long load times.

If you have any suggestions, I'd really love to hear them! I've never seen recaps like this done for a game, so I have no idea if it works or not. And I'd love to keep doing it, because as you all know, nothing pleases me more than tearing into things I hate.

Of wandering guardians and summoning arts, Pt. 2

2007-12-14T12:24:46Z

Ha! Thought you could get rid of me, eh?! Did you?! DID YOU?! Well, you didn't.

Figuring out how I'm going to put this "Runaway: A Road Adventure" recap, of sorts, has taken up an inordinate amount of time. But I managed to throw a few comments onto a fanfic and desperately hope some of them work.

So.

“Valefor, this is the man ("Oh no, sir, you da man!") with the potential to become summoner?” Yuna asked the aeon, which nodded. So..which nodded? A faint murmur erupted from the crowd. How can a "faint murmur"..."erupt"?...

“This guy can become summoner also?” was heard and similar things. YES. THAT IS WHAT THEY JUST SAID, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

The priests were divided between letting him train and interrogating him. Let him train *and* interrogate him? Why not just torture him then and there?

The aeon silenced everyone when it began to speak.

“This young man is quite famous between us aeons. "I wonder if aeons actually converse....ah, heck, who cares, I'll write this story however I want, flabnastit!" He is a strong wandering ~~guardian~~ minstrel, but all the aeons that look at him can see that he has the gift ~~to summon us~~. You know. "The gift". Wink wink. Also our summoners see that. The reason Lady Yuna can’t see that yet is because she is a rookie summoner. And now summoners have their own baseball teams?! But this man is defiantly worthy of becoming summoner,

HOLD IT.

defiance |diˈfīəns|
noun
open resistance; bold disobedience : the demonstration was held in defiance of official warnings.

This story is already hurting my brains...Okay...back to pointing out mistakes and such...

since he has accomplished a lot for only one man. Just to mention one of them, he was the one who saved the small unnamed (Unnamed...is that another way of saying it doesn't exist?) village between Bevelle and Macalania from the Sinspawn. He is a trustworthy person.” Valefor said comma and everyone looked at Yuna. It looked like she was the one with the final say in this. No one except Yuna and Valefor heard what I said after Valefor was done with its speech.

“At least towards the ones that accepts me” Oh, cry me a river, emo-boy.

‘Now that Valefor says it, I can see something similar between mine and this man’s power. And he is a wandering guardian. If I could teach him, get him to become a summoner and persuade him to accompany me on my pilgrimage, then we would have a much better chance at beating Sin. Plus from what I can see he is honest, kind and funny.’ Yeah, sure, you'd be a great judge, you've known...no, you've *stared* at him for all of ten seconds. Yuna thought and sat down in front of Salmar, who looked a bit greasy ~~anxious.~~

“I have decided. I'm Coco Chanel! If you want to, mister Salmar sir, I will postpone my pilgrimage and teach you how to be a summoner. I think you can become a good summoner from what I can see and what Valefor says.” "But mostly, y'know, from what Valefor says, having not spoken to you, myself...at ALL." Yuna said. The priests that had been bickering looked at each other and nodded. Then their jaws dropped when Salmar shook his head. "But...But! Who *wouldn't* want to sacrifice their life and go on a long journey so they may or may not defeat a monster that will come back in a few years?!"

I heard what Yuna said and a lot of thoughts ran trough my head. (Dust bunnies, actually.) ‘I was only coming here to offer my service as a guardian, and I find myself about to become summoner. Not that I can complain. Summoners are able to do things I can’t and it would be great to have a shot at Sin and helping people further. But there is the slight problem with me not praying to Yevon.’ That sentence is ten times as funny if you imagine it at a Speed Racer-character-thoughts pace. Go on. Try it. I shook my head and said: “But Lady Yuna. There is the slight problem with me not praying to Yevon. Wouldn’t that be a problem?”

Yuna looked at me thoughtfully before she said: ~~“Yeah, that'd totally be a problem. Oh well. Guess the story's over.~~ You don’t pray? Why not?”

I smiled and said: “I think that once I start praying for strength from others, my own will faultier (BUH?) and I will eventually be destroyed (YAY!). Also I tend to forget to pray a lot of times. And bathe. And not stare at women's breasts when I speak to them. You have lovely 'eyes', by the way.”

Valefor gently shook me (I hope with every fiber of my being that was a heavily veiled reference to Tenacious D...it wasn't, was it?) and said: “It doesn’t matter if he prays or not. As long as he doesn’t do anything harmful to others, or some other sins, he can be a summoner. It is rare to have a un-praying summoner, but they have existed.” So...as long as he doesn't sin, he's in the clear? Oh, gee, golly, how hard could that possibly be? He's only traveling with, what, the untouched priestess, the chick who won first *and* second prize at the Annual Bevelle Wet T-Shirt Contest, the token loli...and, hey, a handful of men, if that's the way he rolls...

A priest stepped forward. He was apparently the head priest or something. Yeah, or like, something. I can't be bothered with the details, this isn't like, Eragon.

“Salmar sir, I have heard of you, (He's the one who got third prize.) and if half of the stories about you are true, then you would be just as qualified to be summoner as Lady Yuna. I think you should accept her offer. Although I hope the other half of the stories are false. You know...the ones about you and the goat?..."

I thought for a bit and said: “But what about the time? As much as I know, summoner training is long and hard.” No. Comment.

Yuna smiled and said: “Yes it is, but normally a summoner is only trained by priests. HOLY CRAP!! You will be trained by me and priests. DOUBLE HOLY CRAP!! And since Valefor bothered to make your potential known, you must be gifted so I don’t think that would be a problem.” Am I *positive* this wasn't rated M?...

‘Oh heck. Why not? You only live once anyway.’ I thought and said: “Alright. If you think so, then sure. I’ll become a summoner. Although I think I will miss being a wanderer.” Making a life decision in all of two minutes? Oh, whatever, anything to get this chapter over and done with...

The blonde boy next to a red haired man said: “But summoners have to go on a pilgrimage. Won’t that be wandering?” I have to admit it. This guy has Tidus' utter stupidity pegged. Unfortunately, he seems to have applied it to *all* of the characters...

I shrugged as good I could with the aeons grip still strong. I dare you to make sense of that sentence. I DARE you.

“Well then. Tomorrow you will be sworn in and training will begin. Now we celebrate Yuna and that she is finally a summoner.” The head priest said and the crowd cheered again. Valefor left (Yeah. Maybe he's going back to his HOUSE. 'Cause he totally has one, right? Maybe he's going to the store! Jeez.) and I found myself being questioned by Yuna and her friends/guardians as well as the priests. They wanted to know about my abilities (none), morals (none), friends (none), loved ones (none) and things I have done as a wandering guardian (goats). It was late at night when I was left to my self. Oh no...I had told them I had arranged for a place to stay, which was a lie. I enjoyed sleeping under the open sky, and didn’t want to miss the stars on such a beautiful night. I regretted that when it started to rain though.

After I woke up, I just USED a fire element spell to dry myself before I was to be sworn in as a summoner.

Believe it or not, I am not even halfway through finishing the rest of this story, yet. Keep in mind...this is the FIRST CHAPTER. Some people just don't know when to quit...[/irony]

Of wandering guardians and summoning arts

2007-12-06T04:25:25Z

'Kay, so here's the deal. My computer only had about 6% of battery left when I searched for this (Search: Final Fantasy X w/ "xOC" in summary). Ergo...I was in a rush...and I haven't read it. For all I know, it could be wonderful. But I'm too lazy to search again. This also means I don't know where to italicize/etc. where the author decided to. Might make it a little hard(er) on the eyes.

’So, she is about to start her journey huh? The next boat to Besaid will leave in about one hour. Just enough time to get my weapons from the smith and pack my things. Toothbrush? Uh...I can live without it...Hairbrush? Nah, video game characters always have perfect hair...Change of clothes? Ha!...Well, heck, what do I need to pack? Well, no time to be lazy now, I’ll just have to get moving.’ I thought as I rose from my comforting bed in the hotel room in Luca. I dressed my self in my familiar black shirt, black pants designed for maximum movement while still being stylish. ...Methinks that my fear this would be good was a wee bit unfounded. The black shoes were next and the dark equipment vest after that. The vest was filled with pockets, the lower ones around my waist was filled with medical, survival and other equipment that was useful to survive, not counting weapons. Rob Liefeld must've designed his costume.

The rest of the pockets were filled with weapons. Small knives, guns, pouches with magical sand and numerous other weapon types. Oh, SAND. Maybe we can like, throw that in the enemies' EYES.
"OH NOEZ WE'RE GONNA GET EATEN BY A RABID BUNNY"
"DON'T WORRY I HAVE SAND!!"
"OH THANK GOD WE'RE ALL SAVED!!"

...Sand, indeed.

On my back I had a backpack So that's where you put them? filled with the things I needed but were to big to fit in my vest or my pants (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID) that also had pockets stuffed in similar fashion. Also two swords hung from my waist, (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID) one on the left side one on the right. At that moment though, all weapons was getting fixed by a weapon smith, and I had to get them before leaving. No friggin' duh. Over the vest I had a white coat with my seal, the sword with fire surrounding it in a blazing circle with the word s “Salmar or bust ” written in flame over, on my back, clearly displaying my name for all the world to see. All in all, once I had all my weapons again, I would look really frightening if someone didn’t recognise me as a wandering guardian. Ohhohoho...Something tells me you look plenty frightening, anyhow. That is what I am, a creepy, creepy man. ~~wandering guardian.~~ A guardian is someone who swears gratuitously. Especially when battling Yunalesca. ~~to protect the summoner they are sworn to.~~ A wandering guardian though, has no summoner and helps people and summoners anywhere they go. Summoners and guardians are respected, but people tend to look at wandering guardians with slight distrust. Strange old men who have everything to gain by killing off summoners and collecting a reward from the Al Bhed? How could people be so judgmental? Maybe it is because we have no regular place to stay. We wander, as our name suggests, always on the look out for some action ~~someone in need of our service,~~ which in my case is free might I add.

After packing everything I had with me, clothes and such, Did you ever see anyone in FFX change their clothes? Hmm? and checking of everything except my weapons were in my vest and pockets, Yes. We caught that. You are free to talk about something other than your wardrobe, now. I headed of to the weapon smith. He was a nice old man which apparently trusted my kind.

“Here you go mister wandering guardian. Every piece of weapon is nice and sharp now. I also reinforced your swords. Now they won’t break as easily. That will be 15 000 gil.” The old man said and I ~~killed him off with my newfound death machines, cackling madly and waving my sword about...and I'm not talking about the weapon! BWAHAHAHAHA~~ gave him the money.

Normally I would have stayed and chatted with him for a bit, but this story is bad enough, as is. the boat was about to leave, but I took my time to place every piece of weaponry into its designed pocket AAAGH and to make sure all was well. It isn't, I assure you. I am rather paranoiac (What in the bloody FRICK?) about my equipment, mostly since the habit of always knowing where I have what piece of equipment at all times has save my life quite a few times. It hasn’t stopped me from living a harsh life though, and my body covered in Jell-O. ~~scars.~~

In my face there are three scars, In your face? Ow. one over my forehead in a slightly downward fashion, one across my cheek *snicker* and one across my eye. I was almost blinded when ~~I was flashed by Nate~~ the lupine had slashed at me with its claws, As opposed to its vast array of weapons. but it was rather more unlucky than me. Getting cleaved in two has to be enough to be called unlucky. Ah...nah. Oh, shit the boat is leaving in five minutes. Okay, all weapons in place, YES. YES, THEY ARE IN PLACE everything in order YES. EVERYTHING IS IN ORDER. GET ON WITH STORY NOW, PLZ. Great, now off to Besaid Island. FINALLY!! :D

The journey to Besaid was a calm one, the crew was relieved that Sin didn’t attack, and I was happy to have reached my destination. I don’t like sea travel much. I was a bit sick when I walked a shore, A whole shore, you say? but by the time I reached the village and the temple I was back to good health. There was a save point.

I looked around the village and saw that everyone was exited about something. Then I saw Yuna come out ~~of the temple~~. She summoned Valefor and everybody cheered. I joined the clapping while standing at a respectful distance. Valefor showed of its power a bit before sweeping all of the houses in Besaid. ~~its eyes over the crowd.~~ It saw me and I felt the familiar pull towards the aeon. For some reason I felt that towards any aeon I saw, but I could explain it just as much as I could explain all the weird looks every summoner gave me, which I couldn’t. Oh, no, it's OSCAR. And this time he wants HOT AEON ACTION.

Valefor leaned in to Yuna and whispered in her ear: “Lady Yuna, there is a man with the ability to become summoner in the crowd.”

...Wait. Aeons don't...oh, something seems wrong, but I can't put my finger on what...

Yuna looked at the aeon with wonder and asked if it could get that person for causing a disturbance during the festivities. The aeon nodded, flew up and swooped down on Salmar, which at the moment was looking at the fire. When Salmar saw the aeon, it was too late and the poor guy found himself caught in its claws. THE END.

...Oh. Salmar tried to squirm out of its grasp, but Valefor flew back to Yuna and placed the wandering guardian in front of her.

‘Okay, what did I forget this time? Hum, not passport (??!) since Besaid doesn’t use it, I haven’t done anything wrong, unless looking at a summoner is wrong. You forget that you're in an RPG, Salmar. Being straight is punishable by LAW. Okay, this is unnerving.’ I thought as my eyes flew from person to person. In a semi circle around me and the aeon still holding me stood a lot of stern looking people, from the priests of the temple, to Yuna’s guardians, to a blonde haired boy which I didn’t recognise and Yuna herself. She was looking at me with her two coloured eyes, and it appeared as if she was staring into my soul.

Okay. I've got to stop it here. Yes. There is MORE. This is just the first chapter, and there are TWELVE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND TEN WORDS LEFT.

Well, there were. I decided that it was still too long, and cut some off it. It still. Seems. Too. Long.

I've read some bad fiction, but this is downright painful. I mean, what should have been the first chapter was just a description of the main characters' clothes! Even My Immortal wasn't as bad in that area! I don't even like FFX, and this seems insulting!

I won't force you to read the whole...first...chapter. But believe me, I WILL do the rest of it. This is just to terrible to pass up.